Day 2 of the Challenge

I went on another walk around the neighborhood with Ben for an hour. Did not have any sweets. And the hardest part... closed the kitchen at 8pm.

Other than that yesterday was fine. Today is a different story. Feeling lots of stress and anxiety. I actually dropped out of the challenge because I know I would not be able to complete it. I really do let what I am feeling get the best of me. After work I have been stuck to my bed because of the way I feel. And before you ask, yes I have talked to my doctor again about this and he has changed my meds once again and even added something else to it. I just think it has had time to work. I did start my period yesterday. Boy how I am getting tired of feeling like this. I am no good to anyone. But life moves on and so do I just at a slow rate.

Facebook Group Challenge

So I started a challenge yesterday with a WLS Group on Facebook. My part of the challenge is to do an hour of some type of exercise a day, limit my sweets to twice a week and not to eat after 8pm. Yesterday, me and Ben walked around our neighborhood for an hour which was great to have some time with him. I had a Starbucks Mocha Coconut Frapaccino that I shared with Ben and did not eat after 8pm. Not having anything to eat after 8pm was the hardest part for me. That is when my grazing happens. But the 1st night.... success!

I bought some Mocha Click at the Meet and Greet and I have been having it everyday since I got home from Vegas. It is awesome. I also started mixing my Orange/Tangerine Mio with my vanilla protein powder and it taste like a push up. It is delicious. I'm not trying to replace my food with protein shakes, I am actually just trying to figure out how to get more water in. And since protein shakes mixed with water are considered part of my water intake well I am doing it that way. I make them in the blender crushing ice so they are slushy. I seem to drink them right down like that versus just making a glass a water. A glass of water just sits there, I don't want to drink it no matter how thirsty I am. But anyways, that's my story for today.

Got my hair done

I got my hair done today and really like it. And really like my dimples LOL

Saturday May 12, 2012

So I haven't blogged for a couple of days. I have started talking to the kids again. It started with me having to ask for something. Then it gradually went into a little bit more talking. I am still trying to work it out with myself how to deal with them growing up, telling me no and making their own decisions. If I didn't explain it well enough the other day. The reason I was so angry is because I was told no. Not only told no but this was something for family. To show our appreciation and love for another person. Telling me no in a situation like that gets me really angry because family means everything to me. And I have always thought I have made that clear and I thought I had instilled that into them. I haven't learned how to accept or respect their decisions just yet. I know they have to be their own person and live their own lives. But it my twisted head, I believe that everything they do is a reflection on me and how I raised them. The older I get the more I see myself going thru some of the same situations momma went thru. And while she was alive, went I had one of those moments I would always call her and ask her what she did to get thru it and then I would apologize for anything that I had done at that point in her that made her feel like I was feeling at that moment. I don't have that anymore so now I have to start figuring things out on my own.  I don't know, when it comes to my kids it's like, I want to protect them so much that I am not letting them live a life that they can make mistakes, learn and grow as a person. When they tell me something they are planning on doing and I can see that it is a mistake, I tell them. Like I said in my head, I am thinking well if I tell them what may happen if they do this, then if it does start to happen then they can hopefully get out of the situation without much damage. I can't keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. Is that a good or a bad thing? I don't know. When I was growing up, we were told yes or no when we ask if we could do something. Nothing was ever explained why we couldn't. The world was never explained to us. I didn't know how to be an adult. When I turned 18, nothing was ever said to me about what I was doing, unless I asked. Then it was barely answered as to make me make my own decisions. That was hard for me. Going from being a kid and having all of my decisions made for me, then boom, I'm 18, now make your own decisions. There are many reasons I hold my kids so tight to my heart and they all come from the experiences of me growing up. I just don't want to mess my kids up. I want them to be ready for life and now how to handle it. Know that I am here for them and I will say what's on my mind, only to help them.

I went to my doc on Thursday and he took me off of Wellbutrin that I had just started last month and put me on Effexor. It has been rough over the last week. Being angry and anxiety filled all of the time. And Thursday, oh man, I was crying almost all day for no reason. Like the ladies at the front desk at the docs office was just talking to me saying how wonderful I am looking, and I just busted out crying. Or just sitting and working, and bust out crying. Hopefully, this new med will help and I won't gain any weight on it like I have on previous meds.

Well I got go, I'm going to go have coffee with Jen and then go get my hair done.

Nothing is better

Still no talking to the kids and they haven't tried to talk to me either.

I worked and watched tv. I was going to go to a support group meeting but honestly with the way I have been feeling I really didn't want to go. I was glad that me and Ben just went to Steak and Shake instead. However I was still in a very irritable mood. I am glad I see my doctor on Thursday. Even though my weight has dropped back down to 164-167 we still need to work on my depression and anxiety. I don't want to go back to taking meds that have the side effect of weight gain. Nor do I want to feel worthless, lonely and upset all of the time either. I have been staying in my room away from people, I feel better away from anyone.

I really wished I could talk about something other than being negative. But that's all I got right now.

Same ole same ole

Today was work and watching TV. Stomach is feeling better so I am not worried anymore. However, my feelings are a different story. I still haven't talked to the kids and they don't care. They haven't tried to talk to me either. Whatever!
So here's the kicker, the littlest things have been getting to me. What do I mean. Well, I can be watching a commercial and want to start crying. I read a post or see a picture on Facebook and either want to get mad, sad or some other kind of feeling that is very hard to explain. It only stays for a second but still weird. I feel like I have more to say but it won't come out. It's like when you are trying to say a word that is at the tip of your tongue. There is something that is wanting to get out, I just don't know what it is.

I have been keeping myself in my room only coming out when I have too. I have been wanting to go running but I don't want to walk past anyone in the livingroom. Even when they are sleeping I am still angry. I am suppose to go to another support group meeting tomorrow. Hopefully I can bring myself to actually leave the house. If I do, I will post how it went. If not, well then I guess you will know that as well.

A new day; A new week

I slept in today. Which was good I guess. Then me and Ben went riding on the motorcycle. That is the first time in I guess a year that I have been on a motorcycle. It was very nice to get out and ride for a while today. I had a BBQ sandwich without the bread today and barely could eat it. Which isn't surprising because I shouldn't be able to eat all of it. But what worried me was the sharp stinging pain in my belly up my side after I ate. I felt that yesterday too. I will keep an eye on it and if it seems to get worse then I will go see the doctor.
Now for the kid situation. I still haven't talked to any of them since Friday and they must not care because they haven't tried to talk to me either. I don't know what I am suppose to do. For me it's all one way or another way, there is no middle ground. I love them with all of my heart so it breaks my heart the way they act toward me and other people. They only seem to care about themselves. I have to beg and stand over them to get them to go or do anything with me. I have showed them how important it is to be there for people. Sometimes they do, but when it seems to matter in the smallest ways, like going to someones college graduation, no. Going to the movies with me and Ben, gotta stand over them until they get the picture I'm not going anywhere without them. I just don't know how to act or feel when they well basically don't do what I want them to do. Now for those of you reading this, don't get the picture that I am always asking them to do stuff for me. They live in my house, I feed them and I even give them money and they both have jobs. I ask for simple things, like mmmm, maybe mow the yard once a month instead of having your mother do it when there are 4 men the house. Reminds me of Momma and how she would be out there sweating mowing the yard and none of kids cared. I guess I'm getting that back. Or let's see, you dirty a dish, well wash it instead of just putting it in the sink and watching the dishes pile up. Then say, well I don't want to do it because I didn't make all of the mess so why should I clean it all up. Well duh, if you had cleaned up your mess when you made it then there wouldn't be a mess. Again something I didn't want to do either when growing up. I swear the pass few days I have wanted to throw every dish in the house against the wall and break everything and say "Well if no one wants to clean up their own damn mess and blame everyone else for making, there will be no damn dishes to dirty up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". But of course I didn't. I kept that to myself. How to I do half way? How do I make them understand that we are all living together and need to make an effort to clean up our own messes? I get so tired of talking about it, so tired of ASKING everyone to pick up THEIR stuff. I don't want to go to the extreme of throwing stuff away because I hated that when my stepfather did that to us. But I am at a loss to what to do. Man I could just keep talking about how angry I am at these kids... Oh and while I am thinking about it. I asked Aaron just the other day when he was going to mow the yard, he said on Sunday because he didn't have to work. Well it's 8pm and dark out and the yard has not been cut. Another weekend being lied too. I guess his friends are more important than keeping his word to his mother. Since I am so mad about all of this, if Ben is up when and if Aaron decides to come home tonight I will get him to ask why he didn't mow the yard today.

NOT HAPPY!!!!

Another Day Part 2

So I got the car and sped off like a crazy person and went to the Goodwill because by then it was too late to go to Angela's Graduation. I found a couple of dresses and shorts. Then I was on my way to my WLS Group Meeting and traffic was so backed up that there was no way I was going to get there on time. Well that pissed me off too. So basically, my day did not go as planned but at least I was out of the house. My stomach has been hurting me all day. It feels like a pulling stinging sensation. Not to mention I have cramps due to starting my period this morning. So now I am sitting in bed with a heating pad on and hoping that I get to spend some more alone time. I am so ill!!!!

Here's hoping that tomorrow goes better

Another Day

So I wanted to write this before I left the house today. So I know it was raining this morning and my husband needed to take the car however what makes me angry is that he knew how much stuff I had planned today and he did not wake me up early enough for me to take him. Instead he waits until it's time for him to leave and wakes me up to say he needs to take the car because it's raining. So what is that left me with. One I can just stay home all day... and that would really piss me off considering my plans I had already made. Or two, ask Matthew to take me to get the car which pisses me off because I am mad at him for the way he is acting. So I took the lesser of two evils I asked Matthew to take me to get the car so I am not stuck at home all day brewing over how pissed I am.  So here I go to start my day. Hopefully it gets better and not worse.

Don't know what to say.

It has come to a point tonight that I wonder how well of a job I am doing as a mother. One son refuses to go to any family functions. His Aunt is Graduating from college tomorrow and he refuses to go. He is so selfish. And that has made me so mad that I have been slamming doors, wanting to throw dishes to break them, leave the house and not come back for a while. None of these things will do anything to get him to go. But it still doesn't help that I want to do them. And then the other one decides when he comes home. Never lets me know where he is at. Don't get me wrong they are good kids but they have really pissed me off. They know that family means everything to me. And it hurts my feelings when they down right refuse to have anything to do with family functions. It even embarrasses me. Yes I said embarrasses to me. My husband and sons should want to support me in participating in family or friends functions. It makes me not want to do anything for them again. Not talk to them. Ignore them. It's going to be hard to keep my anger to myself I'll tell you. I'm even so mad at them know I am trying to think of ways to get out of the things I said I would do tomorrow. And it has made me feel so bad that I am second guessing myself going to Vegas. I feel worthless. I feel unwanted. I feel ashamed. Life is not good right now. What the heck am I suppose to do. Someone please tell me because I am lost. It has been rare occasions that I have wanted everyone to leave but for the most part I want everyone to stay. This is so frustrating!!!!!