Day 2

So this morning I really did not want to get up. I slept until I had to get up which was just enough time to shower and start work by 9am. I had my 2 protein shakes and felt the pain of hunger today. My darling husband comes home with banana bread right before dinner. So I have 2 slices before dinner and 2 after. I had BBQ chicken wings for dinner. Again I am so tired and it's only 7:50pm. Tomorrow's a new day.

New Beginning

The year is almost over and in a few days momma will have been gone for 3 years.  I have lost my way on this weight loss journey. Yes, I did get down to I believe my lowest was 161 but as of this morning I am back up to 207. I suffer from food addiction and depression. I am on medication for both of these. However, I still allow these to control my life and hence the weight gain. Now I can I tell you I see a therapist as well. She tells me things I need to do like get a hobby, find a friend, get out of the house.... All of these things are harder than they sound. I fear rejection from other people so I don't put myself out there. And without having other people to lean on then world comes crashing down on you every now and then. When you are the only woman in the house and have no other woman to talk to and your mom is gone, well your world is different. It's harder. It's more stressful. It's filled with more tears.  I don't visit her grave because I don't believe that is where she is but I have my own conversations with her.  Would I want her back? That's a tricky question because that means I would be selfish to want her here suffering in order for me to have my mommy. Sometimes I want that because I feel like I am hurting that bad and only a moms love, arms can heal... But I wouldn't want her here to suffer for me to be happy. I ask myself when will I be happy? Why am I not happy? I don't know the answer to these questions. I don't know if I will ever find the answer to these questions. But I am grateful for my wonderful husband that has stood by me thru all of this and continues to try to help me thru this. He tries so hard and has to put up with so much from me. I don't show him or tell him how much he means to me. Or how much I appreciate him. Because I am too depressed or mad to do so. I'm sorry Ben, I love you sweetheart and l appreciate you every minute of every day. As for today, well I guess I decided I wanted to see if I could use my weight lose tool again and lose some of this unwanted weight. I am in an XL shirt and those are getting tight and a size 14 pant. My tool is still there because I can still only eat small portions. But my portions are bigger than what they should be. So today I started on 2 protein shakes and 1 meal. Well wish me luck!

Swans in Swanton VT

Swan's in Swanton VT

Jayden

Jayden at the pumpkin patch

Tattoo

My tribute tattoo to momma and daddy

New Year

Ok so it's a new year and like most people I am starting it off trying to get of the weight I have gained. I am up to 195lbs and I am not liking it at all. I have worked out 3 days in a row and today instead of working out I went to my first OA meeting. I have to say I was full of anxiety however I am going to give it a try. I really really don't want to continue on the upward journey of weight gain. My depression is a lot better now that my doctor has finally found the drugs that work. Here are some things that have happened over the past few months.

We lost Sandra (Vicky, Tommy and Gary's mom), Larry (Aunt Bonnie's husband) and Symona (co-worker) all to cancer in what seemed like one right after another. Then we lost Debbie (Ray and Angie's mom, Matthew and Aaron's grandmother) and Ronnie (Aunt Darlene's husband) just a few days ago. I am so tired of all of the loss. I understand it is much better to be home with God than it is to be here. But it doesn't stop the pain that myself and my family are going through. It just sucks. There is nothing you can say to anyone to let them know how sorry you are for their loss. There are not enough hugs. Not enough anything. Times like these I really wish I had my mom here to talk to.

Work is going great. Family is fine. Home is fine. Nothing new to report on anything there.

After I went to the OA meeting tonight I started feeling very lonely and wanted to cry. I tried to explain it to Ben that I just don't have anyone that can relate to what I am going through. I know I have all of the support from family and friends that a person could ever ask for but they don't know what I am going through. I want to talk to others about what they are going through. I want someone to relate to my over-eating food addiction. Ok I'm not saying that I don't have anyone that listens to me because I do. But they just don't understand what I am feeling. I am being giving ideas on how to change my habits instead of someone just understanding and communicating with me about what's going on.

That's all for now!

Vacation 2012

We left Sunday Morning at 8am, we drove forever it seemed like. At 2 am we decided we were too tired to go on. We found a hotel in Calcium NY. We all slept really good because by 1030 Ben was waking us up to get ready to go. So we drove around sight seeing. Went played in a small lake. Stopped at Ben's momma's house and had dinner. We a great talk with each other. 1st vacation day was good. Let's see what tomorrow will hold.

Collage 6/7/12

 

So Hungry at night time

So today was better than yesterday. Still in a happy mood. Matthew have me laughing a lot today. He would send me funny pictures from sametime (IM).  That was nice. I also woke up to weighing 170 lbs and my clothes fitting tighter. So I had Greek yogurt, string cheese, protein shake, Cajun catfish, water, water, water... until about 8 then it was another string cheese, protein bar, and a turkey sandwich with the bread toasted and buttered. I should be asleep right now but instead I keep fighting to go to sleep. Then I don't get a full night sleep. I am at a loss at what to do at night that hour or so before bedtime to keep my head from thinking about food. The title of this blog says So Hungry at night time... well that's a lie.... I am not truly hunger. My tummy feels like it is growling but I think it's just the acid processing the food. I have not done any kind of exercise in a few weeks. I just can't get my foot out the door. Today I thought I was going to go into work so I got up and took a shower and got dressed, so guess what I used that excuse as why I didn't do like a video exercise or something. Well that's all I have to say tonight.

A new day

So weird how my feelings have changed from yesterday to today. I got up this morning even though I wanted to continue to stay in bed. I worked without getting stressed out. I laughed...really I did... I laughed. And I got to be with my husband. I got to feel the closeness that a loving couple should feel. I am... well... happy! I don't know what the difference was from yesterday to today. Besides getting out of bed and having something to do everything was the same. Yeah, Yeah, I know what you are thinking. So why didn't you just get up and move around yesterday and maybe you wouldn't have been in that funk. Sounds right doesn't it. But the way I felt yesterday, the sadness, the loneliness... I didn't want to be out of bed. I didn't want to be happy. I just wanted to be left alone. Left in the quiet. I can only hope tomorrow will be better than today. Even though I wanted to just run out the door and down the street just to run. I just couldn't make it out the today. Maybe tomorrow I will make it out the door. Maybe not for a run, maybe for a walk.  The one thing I know is that I need to get out and do something. I can feel the energy wanting to come out and play but the monster inside won't let it out. It keeps me hidden, afraid and ashamed. No I'm not talking about anyone in my house I am talking about the monster in my head. I keep trying different medicines to get rid of it but nothing is working. I don't want to feel anything anymore and I don't know how to get that thru to my doc. I guess maybe he wouldn't be a good doc if he just gave me what I wanted instead of what I need to get better. I feel like I am kind of in the same mindset as before I had the surgery. Feeling that I don't deserve anything. I am worthless. I am a failure so why bother trying. This mindset has taken me back to my food. I never really thought food gave me pleasure... well meaning.. if I was sad it would make me happy... or if I was angry it would calm me down. I always thought food for me was a boredom issue. I don't know if does anything like that for me.  But just sitting here writing this out, I do know that I go to food when I feel like I have failed. Something has gone wrong and it is my fault so that means I have failed at something so I might as well have this chocolate cake with ice cream. Why not, I'm not worth anything more than that anyways. I haven't learned how to release those feelings without making it all about me and how I failed at something and then stuffing my face. There is a bigger issue and I don't know what it is. I desperately want to know what it is. As when I was bigger I felt so tired all of the time... well that is how I feel now.. so tired all of the time. My happiness gets to shine every once in a while but that monster just pulls it right back in. If anyone is reading this and you know me, I bet you are thinking to yourself, wow I would never have thought this about her. She hides it so well. Why yes I do. I hide it very well from the people on the outside. Why? Well it's my problem. I don't want to make what I am feeling make you feel bad. Yes I am writing here and maybe you are reading it. Well I have given you the choice to read it and think what you want without me knowing it. Without me wondering what you are thinking. Wondering if you still like me now or are you going to start talking about me. This is a release for me because there is no way I would be able to say these things to anyone in person. In my head, I am telling myself... why tell anyone, why talk about it.. nothing is going to change. No one can help you but you. I don't really believe anything big is wrong with me. I just believe I was never taught how to handle problems. How to deal with life. How to deal with people. I mean, how can you teach a child never to speak back and to do what you are told otherwise you will get into big trouble and expect them to do well in life. Well if I never speak up and I don't think outside the box then I am basically someone's slave, just like my mother's and grandmother's were to their husbands. Don't get me wrong, my husband Ben, he loves me so deeply and unconditionally that would never happen here. Plus I kind of made that perfectly clear when we got together that no man would ever tell me what to do again. So I am perfectly safe in my home with my husband and sons but what about the outside world. What happens if I speak my mind out there? If I am upset about something and say something the wrong way... well I might get hurt. Well I don't want that to happen, so instead of putting myself in a potential situation like that, well I stay at home. Ok, what about work, how do you get people to listen to you when no one listened before? Well I have always done the best I could to make my parents, family and friends proud of me. I do that at work now. I over achieve to make others notice me. Well of course these days it not that hard to notice me with all of my tattoos. But that's off the subject. I am very friendly and confident. I am patient and do my best to help anyone at work. This is how I become known. This is how I get raises. People play with me and say they are scared when they get an email from me and I could just be saying HI! People have told me before that when they first met me that I intimidated them. I have asked why and all they say is I don't know, you just did. I feel like I have a smile on my face all of the time when I am around people so why would you see me and feel intimidated? Yeah on some level that makes me chuckle. But I would rather you seen me for the first time and felt like we have known each other forever. But even I can't get that feeling with other people. Well why am I rambling.... I don't know that answer either. Felt like talking I guess.

Good Night   Sweet Dreams

So mentally tired today

I got up this morning and took a shower. I was hoping that me and Ben would go see a movie. But by the time he was ready to go I was again back in a funk. I went back to sleep. I have been in bed all day long. Just getting up to get something to drink, eat or pee. I have not wanted to get out of this bed at all. Why? Well let me think about that. The comfort of the bed. The relaxation of just laying around. The avoidance of going anywhere and seeing anybody. There is no need to speak. Only the thoughts in my head. Some good some bad. Thoughts of work that starts tomorrow. Thoughts of going to Vermont next week. Thoughts of momma, daddy, tonia, bo, rocky and angel. I didn't eat much today but what I did eat was a piece of cake, a banana nut bread, a totino's pizza, a chocolate bar, a few pieces of cheese. Junk right! I know. I woke up this morning weighing in at 170. Well that is unacceptable. But I did not do anything about it. I just continued to lay here. My crying episodes were not around today. More of a blah day with the verge of tears at any moment. I have to go into the office on Tuesday to talk with the managers about the performances of their employees. And here lately I have been slipping by becoming outspoken in a negative way. Well I can not do that. I will lose my job. I love my job and I do not want to lose it. I want my doctor to figure out how to get me back on track. I am so tired of feeling like this. I am only 40 and I am hiding away like a 80 or 90 year old person that can no longer take care of themselves.  How to I get myself out the door everyday to go walk/run? How do I get myself to work out? How do I get myself to stop eating junk and start eating good food? I'm afraid to talk to anyone feeling I will look like a failure. I know other people have the same problems but what do I have to offer to help them. I can not even help myself. I avoid making comments on facebook groups because I don't do enough research to know what I am talking about. I eat whatever. I do whatever. I truly don't know how to help anyone not even myself. I wish more people could read this blog about my mindset. But then again would I actually do anything someone suggests? 

Things on my mind

Before you start reading this let me just let you know up front it will be very emotional and will have things that you may not want to read. With that being said, I just need to put this out there today. I don't know why, I just feel that I do.

Today was a fine day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I picked up Jayden and we went to a water park with Austin, went to McDonalds let Jayden play. Came home took a nap, got up and played with Jayden some more. When Ben came home we took Jayden home. Me and Ben went to Outback to eat. While we were sitting there we were talking. Just regular talking. Then I started crying. I don't know why I just did. I cried off and on for at least an hour. Ben thinks it is a release for me. I guess I can see that seeing how this came on from no where. Let's start with my life story, shortened of course because I don't remember the majority of it and I don't want to bore anyone reading this with 40 years of life. And while you read this, It may seem more like rambling with things out of place. So in advance.. sorry about that.

I born September 4, 1971 to Mildred and Walter Loggins. My name is Deborah Kay Loggins. My family has called me Debbie all of my life and it is funny to hear anyone call me Deborah.
I was always told that my dad had left before I was a year old. I don't know if that is true or not. I know I have asked before I just don't remember the answer. The next part of my life comes when I am 5 years old. I remember having a birthday party. By that time my mom had married my stepfather who had 2 sons and 1 daughter. And my mom and stepfather had a son. I don't remember too much about my childhood so this will be really random and not much explanation. I know we use to have people live with us. I don't know if it was because we needed the help or if it was to help the people. I remember having to eat everything on my plate or I couldn't get up until I did. I remember getting spanked with a thick wooden paddle because one of the children did something wrong. I remember having to pick up nails, scraps and trash when the family was helping my stepfather when he was working either on our house or someone else's. I remember my grandmother Meador buying mine and my sister's school clothes, giving momma money for food or bills. I remember not being able to date until I was 16 and even then I had to have someone with me. I remember from a very young age that I molested by my stepbrothers and it continued into my teens. Why? Because I didn't know that wasn't something that wasn't suppose to happen. I remember never talking back to my mother or stepfather because I would get slapped across the face or spanked with the paddle. I remember never being able to voice my opinion because it never mattered. I remember that when my mother married my stepfather it became more about him and his family. Me and Tonia (my sister) were left out. I remember when my dad got with my stepmother it became all about her. And then they had kids and it was all about my stepmother and the kids. Again me and Tonia were left out. I remember going to my grandmothers house, which lived right down the street from us, all the time. That was the only place I felt like I belonged. I remember seeing my dad drive right by my house to go to granny's house but never stopped to get me and Tonia. My aunts would usually call us to tell us that daddy was up there.  I remember 2 of my aunts that stilled lived with granny used to try to scare me and my sister by saying there were men looking in the windows or they heard something outside. I remember being scared all the time. I remember being shy and quiet all of the time. I remember doing the best I could at things so that I could get my parents attention. I remember that I was the only one out of 8 children that graduated high school. I remember falling in love with a boy and then him physically abusing me. I remember I didn't understand why he did that because I had done nothing wrong. But I loved him and continued to stay. I remember when my parents found out what he was doing and they confronted him. My stepfather started beating the crap out of him. I remember wondering why he thought he had a right to hit him when he (my stepfather) spanked me with a wooden paddle on my bare butt putting bruises on me because I took 50 cents from his truck without asking. I remember graduating and leaving home to live with this abusive boy because I knew no different. I remember getting pregnant with my first son and giving this young man a chance to stay or walk away. He stayed and he never hit me again. There was no love from him either but I still stayed because I knew no better. I remember deciding I had enough of being ignored and was going to leave. Well that made him change for a moment and we got married. I remember getting pregnant with my 2nd son. I remember having to move in with his brother because for some reason we couldn't pay our bills. I remember being ignored again and deciding I wasn't going to accept that and I left. I remember that he didn't care that I left with his son and unborn son. I remember he moved on with his life like we didn't matter. I remember we gave it another try but there still was no love. I remember finally deciding I was going to be a young woman and go out and meet people and have fun. I remember going dancing and drinking. I remember meeting a guy at subway and dating him for a while. I remember that because of that dude I meet this other dude who I couldn't stop talking too. I think in fact it became an obsession. I remember when that dude came over to my house the 1st time. Well he never left. I remember demanding up front that I was never to be treated with disrespect and I was never going to be told what to do ever again. I remember him staying and allowing me to become me. I remember never allowing him to have any discipline rights over the kids because what I went thru as a child with my stepfather. I remember him respecting my decision and still staying with me. I remember asking him if my ex-husband could live with us because I wanted to make sure he stayed in the kids life. I remember he stood by me and allow this to happen more than once. I remember throwing fits and making bad decisions. I remember him standing by my side and loving me. Some more stuff from childhood. I remember I never knew if a boy really liked me or not because I had red hair and some would just want to know if my hair down there was the same color. Others acted like they liked me but I was so scared and unsure of myself I didn't know if it was true and I didn't know what to do. I remember one winter it snowed really good. I remember sledding down the big hill by our house. I remember a childhood family vacation in our trailer to go see my Aunt Dorothy in Wyoming. I remember some time spent with the family in Gatlinburg at a cabin that either a friend of my stepfather owned or the person he worked for owned.  I remember having friends but always getting jealous when they would show the others attention. Seemed I could only have one friend at a time because I was jealous over other people taking them away from me. I remember my stepfather continuously working on our house but never finishing anything. I remember them losing the house because momma felt she couldn't keep up with it anymore. I remember being told by different people in the family that she did not have a right to do that because the house belonged to me and Tonia. I remember that my stepbrothers and stepsister always got a portion of something that belonged to me and Tonia...meaning if our grandparents gave us something, momma would make sure the others got something too. In my mind they were our grandparents and not their's, just something else being taken away from me. I remember seeking out male attention even if it was just to please them, just to feel wanted at that moment. I remember never learning how to be an adult or what the world was.

I know with everything my brain decides to remember I have used that to live my life by... what to do and what not to do.
I love my kids so much it hurts me if they get hurt
With Ben's help I have found myself and now I need to learn to love myself
I had WLS because I refuse to continue to kill myself with food
I try my very best to show love and compassion to everyone and treat them with respect

Here's the weird part about me that I probably have said before.
I want to help people and to be like by people however I am scared to death to be around people. Why? Well I don't want to feel stupid or say something stupid and people think that I am.  I don't want to be around people who just talk crap all of the time. They piss me off. I don't want to be around people who are negative all of the time (why am I with myself?). I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't have hobbies or things I love doing. I am just a simple person who wants to sit in her house and watch tv. When I get into certain moods I have conversations with myself. Here is how one goes. "I want to go to the store and get some lotion" "Why? you don't need any lotion, it's not like you are going anywhere. You don't need it, no one cares what you look like". So I don't go because I'm not worthy of a $2 bottle of lotion. People have no manners anymore. It always about them. That is why I try to keep my mouth shut and not say anything about myself. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't jump in front of people in lines. I don't walk all over people. Now if I do any of these things I don't seem to realize that I am doing them. And it may be because I choose not too.

Are you asking yourself about this time.. Why haven't you went to counseling?  Well in my head I see all of the problems and the answers. Getting the answers out is the problem. Too many emotions going on interfering with the answers coming out. I think going to a therapist and talking about what's wrong isn't any different than saying it to myself. I hear the same answers. I just don't do anything required to get better. All of the people I have met in my life have been great. I still love some of them. I continue to meet people who I really want to be my friend. I put on a fake happiness and we become friends. The only difference, I don't hang out with them. I don't talk to them on the phone. Now I don't have a problem texting them or emailing them but anything face to face I will find every way possible to get out of it. Why? I don't know, maybe I'm afraid they will get too close and leave me too.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am so sad or so mad all of the time. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have eaten so badly over the past few days. I don't want the weight to come back on. I want to control this but I don't have control over it. Just like I don't have control over my feelings.

I am healthy, my husband and children are healthy, my job is great. I don't have anything to be sad or mad about. What the heck!

What the heck!

Day 2 of the Challenge

I went on another walk around the neighborhood with Ben for an hour. Did not have any sweets. And the hardest part... closed the kitchen at 8pm.

Other than that yesterday was fine. Today is a different story. Feeling lots of stress and anxiety. I actually dropped out of the challenge because I know I would not be able to complete it. I really do let what I am feeling get the best of me. After work I have been stuck to my bed because of the way I feel. And before you ask, yes I have talked to my doctor again about this and he has changed my meds once again and even added something else to it. I just think it has had time to work. I did start my period yesterday. Boy how I am getting tired of feeling like this. I am no good to anyone. But life moves on and so do I just at a slow rate.

Facebook Group Challenge

So I started a challenge yesterday with a WLS Group on Facebook. My part of the challenge is to do an hour of some type of exercise a day, limit my sweets to twice a week and not to eat after 8pm. Yesterday, me and Ben walked around our neighborhood for an hour which was great to have some time with him. I had a Starbucks Mocha Coconut Frapaccino that I shared with Ben and did not eat after 8pm. Not having anything to eat after 8pm was the hardest part for me. That is when my grazing happens. But the 1st night.... success!

I bought some Mocha Click at the Meet and Greet and I have been having it everyday since I got home from Vegas. It is awesome. I also started mixing my Orange/Tangerine Mio with my vanilla protein powder and it taste like a push up. It is delicious. I'm not trying to replace my food with protein shakes, I am actually just trying to figure out how to get more water in. And since protein shakes mixed with water are considered part of my water intake well I am doing it that way. I make them in the blender crushing ice so they are slushy. I seem to drink them right down like that versus just making a glass a water. A glass of water just sits there, I don't want to drink it no matter how thirsty I am. But anyways, that's my story for today.

Got my hair done

I got my hair done today and really like it. And really like my dimples LOL

Saturday May 12, 2012

So I haven't blogged for a couple of days. I have started talking to the kids again. It started with me having to ask for something. Then it gradually went into a little bit more talking. I am still trying to work it out with myself how to deal with them growing up, telling me no and making their own decisions. If I didn't explain it well enough the other day. The reason I was so angry is because I was told no. Not only told no but this was something for family. To show our appreciation and love for another person. Telling me no in a situation like that gets me really angry because family means everything to me. And I have always thought I have made that clear and I thought I had instilled that into them. I haven't learned how to accept or respect their decisions just yet. I know they have to be their own person and live their own lives. But it my twisted head, I believe that everything they do is a reflection on me and how I raised them. The older I get the more I see myself going thru some of the same situations momma went thru. And while she was alive, went I had one of those moments I would always call her and ask her what she did to get thru it and then I would apologize for anything that I had done at that point in her that made her feel like I was feeling at that moment. I don't have that anymore so now I have to start figuring things out on my own.  I don't know, when it comes to my kids it's like, I want to protect them so much that I am not letting them live a life that they can make mistakes, learn and grow as a person. When they tell me something they are planning on doing and I can see that it is a mistake, I tell them. Like I said in my head, I am thinking well if I tell them what may happen if they do this, then if it does start to happen then they can hopefully get out of the situation without much damage. I can't keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. Is that a good or a bad thing? I don't know. When I was growing up, we were told yes or no when we ask if we could do something. Nothing was ever explained why we couldn't. The world was never explained to us. I didn't know how to be an adult. When I turned 18, nothing was ever said to me about what I was doing, unless I asked. Then it was barely answered as to make me make my own decisions. That was hard for me. Going from being a kid and having all of my decisions made for me, then boom, I'm 18, now make your own decisions. There are many reasons I hold my kids so tight to my heart and they all come from the experiences of me growing up. I just don't want to mess my kids up. I want them to be ready for life and now how to handle it. Know that I am here for them and I will say what's on my mind, only to help them.

I went to my doc on Thursday and he took me off of Wellbutrin that I had just started last month and put me on Effexor. It has been rough over the last week. Being angry and anxiety filled all of the time. And Thursday, oh man, I was crying almost all day for no reason. Like the ladies at the front desk at the docs office was just talking to me saying how wonderful I am looking, and I just busted out crying. Or just sitting and working, and bust out crying. Hopefully, this new med will help and I won't gain any weight on it like I have on previous meds.

Well I got go, I'm going to go have coffee with Jen and then go get my hair done.

Nothing is better

Still no talking to the kids and they haven't tried to talk to me either.

I worked and watched tv. I was going to go to a support group meeting but honestly with the way I have been feeling I really didn't want to go. I was glad that me and Ben just went to Steak and Shake instead. However I was still in a very irritable mood. I am glad I see my doctor on Thursday. Even though my weight has dropped back down to 164-167 we still need to work on my depression and anxiety. I don't want to go back to taking meds that have the side effect of weight gain. Nor do I want to feel worthless, lonely and upset all of the time either. I have been staying in my room away from people, I feel better away from anyone.

I really wished I could talk about something other than being negative. But that's all I got right now.

Same ole same ole

Today was work and watching TV. Stomach is feeling better so I am not worried anymore. However, my feelings are a different story. I still haven't talked to the kids and they don't care. They haven't tried to talk to me either. Whatever!
So here's the kicker, the littlest things have been getting to me. What do I mean. Well, I can be watching a commercial and want to start crying. I read a post or see a picture on Facebook and either want to get mad, sad or some other kind of feeling that is very hard to explain. It only stays for a second but still weird. I feel like I have more to say but it won't come out. It's like when you are trying to say a word that is at the tip of your tongue. There is something that is wanting to get out, I just don't know what it is.

I have been keeping myself in my room only coming out when I have too. I have been wanting to go running but I don't want to walk past anyone in the livingroom. Even when they are sleeping I am still angry. I am suppose to go to another support group meeting tomorrow. Hopefully I can bring myself to actually leave the house. If I do, I will post how it went. If not, well then I guess you will know that as well.

A new day; A new week

I slept in today. Which was good I guess. Then me and Ben went riding on the motorcycle. That is the first time in I guess a year that I have been on a motorcycle. It was very nice to get out and ride for a while today. I had a BBQ sandwich without the bread today and barely could eat it. Which isn't surprising because I shouldn't be able to eat all of it. But what worried me was the sharp stinging pain in my belly up my side after I ate. I felt that yesterday too. I will keep an eye on it and if it seems to get worse then I will go see the doctor.
Now for the kid situation. I still haven't talked to any of them since Friday and they must not care because they haven't tried to talk to me either. I don't know what I am suppose to do. For me it's all one way or another way, there is no middle ground. I love them with all of my heart so it breaks my heart the way they act toward me and other people. They only seem to care about themselves. I have to beg and stand over them to get them to go or do anything with me. I have showed them how important it is to be there for people. Sometimes they do, but when it seems to matter in the smallest ways, like going to someones college graduation, no. Going to the movies with me and Ben, gotta stand over them until they get the picture I'm not going anywhere without them. I just don't know how to act or feel when they well basically don't do what I want them to do. Now for those of you reading this, don't get the picture that I am always asking them to do stuff for me. They live in my house, I feed them and I even give them money and they both have jobs. I ask for simple things, like mmmm, maybe mow the yard once a month instead of having your mother do it when there are 4 men the house. Reminds me of Momma and how she would be out there sweating mowing the yard and none of kids cared. I guess I'm getting that back. Or let's see, you dirty a dish, well wash it instead of just putting it in the sink and watching the dishes pile up. Then say, well I don't want to do it because I didn't make all of the mess so why should I clean it all up. Well duh, if you had cleaned up your mess when you made it then there wouldn't be a mess. Again something I didn't want to do either when growing up. I swear the pass few days I have wanted to throw every dish in the house against the wall and break everything and say "Well if no one wants to clean up their own damn mess and blame everyone else for making, there will be no damn dishes to dirty up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". But of course I didn't. I kept that to myself. How to I do half way? How do I make them understand that we are all living together and need to make an effort to clean up our own messes? I get so tired of talking about it, so tired of ASKING everyone to pick up THEIR stuff. I don't want to go to the extreme of throwing stuff away because I hated that when my stepfather did that to us. But I am at a loss to what to do. Man I could just keep talking about how angry I am at these kids... Oh and while I am thinking about it. I asked Aaron just the other day when he was going to mow the yard, he said on Sunday because he didn't have to work. Well it's 8pm and dark out and the yard has not been cut. Another weekend being lied too. I guess his friends are more important than keeping his word to his mother. Since I am so mad about all of this, if Ben is up when and if Aaron decides to come home tonight I will get him to ask why he didn't mow the yard today.

NOT HAPPY!!!!

Another Day Part 2

So I got the car and sped off like a crazy person and went to the Goodwill because by then it was too late to go to Angela's Graduation. I found a couple of dresses and shorts. Then I was on my way to my WLS Group Meeting and traffic was so backed up that there was no way I was going to get there on time. Well that pissed me off too. So basically, my day did not go as planned but at least I was out of the house. My stomach has been hurting me all day. It feels like a pulling stinging sensation. Not to mention I have cramps due to starting my period this morning. So now I am sitting in bed with a heating pad on and hoping that I get to spend some more alone time. I am so ill!!!!

Here's hoping that tomorrow goes better