New Beginning

The year is almost over and in a few days momma will have been gone for 3 years.  I have lost my way on this weight loss journey. Yes, I did get down to I believe my lowest was 161 but as of this morning I am back up to 207. I suffer from food addiction and depression. I am on medication for both of these. However, I still allow these to control my life and hence the weight gain. Now I can I tell you I see a therapist as well. She tells me things I need to do like get a hobby, find a friend, get out of the house.... All of these things are harder than they sound. I fear rejection from other people so I don't put myself out there. And without having other people to lean on then world comes crashing down on you every now and then. When you are the only woman in the house and have no other woman to talk to and your mom is gone, well your world is different. It's harder. It's more stressful. It's filled with more tears.  I don't visit her grave because I don't believe that is where she is but I have my own conversations with her.  Would I want her back? That's a tricky question because that means I would be selfish to want her here suffering in order for me to have my mommy. Sometimes I want that because I feel like I am hurting that bad and only a moms love, arms can heal... But I wouldn't want her here to suffer for me to be happy. I ask myself when will I be happy? Why am I not happy? I don't know the answer to these questions. I don't know if I will ever find the answer to these questions. But I am grateful for my wonderful husband that has stood by me thru all of this and continues to try to help me thru this. He tries so hard and has to put up with so much from me. I don't show him or tell him how much he means to me. Or how much I appreciate him. Because I am too depressed or mad to do so. I'm sorry Ben, I love you sweetheart and l appreciate you every minute of every day. As for today, well I guess I decided I wanted to see if I could use my weight lose tool again and lose some of this unwanted weight. I am in an XL shirt and those are getting tight and a size 14 pant. My tool is still there because I can still only eat small portions. But my portions are bigger than what they should be. So today I started on 2 protein shakes and 1 meal. Well wish me luck!