Thursday April 12, 2012

So I haven't written anything in a while. To lazy to pick up a computer and type is my only answer. I went back to my doctor yesterday and really let him know about my concerns of weight gain on the meds I was taken. He listened and we are trying something new. I really hope that helps me get the 10lbs off that I have gained. Of course, now I don't have an excuse to sit around eating everything in the house or being to depressed to get out of the house. Well anyway I really hope this one helps me because I am so tired of being depressed and full of anxiety all of the time.

Well if I think of anything else I will write again but that's about it.

Thursday March 29, 2012

Going to write before I forget. My psych doctor just up'd my meds and added another one to them to give them a boost. I hope it does help because I am so tired of these mood swings. I think I may need to get my hormones tested sooner than later.

Other than that, tired (meaning sleepy) most of the day. Worked and just watched TV. Me and Jason went and got Jayden today while I was in Nashville for my psych appt.  Didn't go walking today since I didn't get off until 615pm and no one would go with me...and let's face it. I was just too tired to go.

Well that's all for now

Wednesday March 28, 2012

Nothing new to add today. All in all I have had a good day. A few episodes of anxiety throughout the day but nothing too bad. Went on a walk/jog with Jason. We drove the car around to see how many miles it is where we go. It is 1.6 miles. I had a mole removed today that I have had since before I had boobs. Don't miss it right now. I was just so tired of it getting in the way of my bra strap and it looked so ugly.

Just want to point out it's 10pm and I just ate a small bag of chips and salsa. I took my ambien over 2 hours ago and I am still not sleepy. Just another thing to talk to the docs about.

Well that's enough of my boring life today.

Tuesday March 27, 2012

So I haven't wrote anything in a few days. Things have been a lot better. Friday I went out and got my ear pierced. Saturday I spent most of the day to myself and got a pedicure. And on Sunday, me and Ben went to his friends house and rode horses. Of course I rode a little more than him but that's ok. I had fun. Can't wait to ride again.

I have walked/jogged the last couple of days. Aaron shown me some simple stomach exercises. My water still needs to go up. I know I keep saying that but it really is hard for me to drink when I'm not thirsty.

Here are some pictures

Thursday March 22, 2012

I understand that why I said yesterday or what I have said in the past has bothered you and I am sorry. I know you love me and I love you too. And you know who I am talking about because there is only a select few of you that I care enough about to send you a direct link to my blog. I know you are there to listen, cheer me on when I need and be there when I need it. I love you for that. But I need this to take note of what I am going thru. I need to believe that by me posting this or any of my other blogs that some other person is going thru the same thing. That what I may say will click with them and they will not feel like they are alone. I feel strong in a way. I know right from wrong and I know what I am suppose to do. But the problem is my brain is lost in depression and anxiety. I feel like I can not stop all of the feelings and now that I am writing this, I don't think I have any thoughts running thru my mind. I just feel!!!  Anyone reading this and feeling sorry for me, well please don't. I am working thru it. I am strong. This is just my path in life, to feel things. Maybe one day it will come to me what I am suppose to do with the way I feel. What is the reason for it. And yes I believe there is a reason for everything.

Love you all and thank you for being you!!!

Wednesday March 21, 2012

No food log today. Besides my food sucked big time today!!! Just gonna speak about how I feel. Well it started yesterday. I started feeling very anxious. I couldn't even stand to read thru Facebook, read thru and WLS sites, watch TV or even have anyone talk to me. Same has been today also. Even today just trying to work I look over at all of the meds I have to take and think maybe it's time to just take them all. I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. I already see a psychiatrist but the meds are barely helping. Believe me I use to be a lot worse. I don't know how other people feel but I would like to feel nothing. I am not expecting life to be easy and compared to a lot of people I do have it easy. I have a wonderful loving husband, 2 children that love me, a great job that I love and I make good money at. There is no mental or physical abuse in my house. For the most part we say what's on our minds. Now say to yourself... then why is she so depressed? Why is she so unhappy? Well I don't know the answer to that. I fight with myself on who I want to be and who I am. What do I mean by that. Well I mean, I have very deep empathy for people, animals, plants and trees. I feel them hurting and I want to help. I want to do something. Then what happens when I have decided that I am going to help. I back out. Why because I don't like being around people because they use you, they lie to you and just treat you like plain dirt. I never speak up for myself when someone does something wrong. Why? What's the point, I just let them say what they have to say and I walk away. I am not going to stoop to anyone elses level. Plus I am also afraid of what they will do to me. I have started to leave a lot of my family along because they bring a lot of drama into my life. I am all about trying to help you thru with whatever you are going thru and even just to listen to you vent because god knows I need to vent. But if that is all that is going to happen every time I see or talk to you then our visits will be few and far between. Why? Because it's hard enough to keep my drama to myself and to deal with all of the feelings I deal with on a daily basis. I need positive people in my life. And I have those and I am very thankful for them. They give me just the right amount of love and space I need and they also understand that I will always be there for them. What am I getting at? Well nothing. This is me... everyday... whether you see a smile on my face or not, this is what I feel like every second of every day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day because I have to go into the office for a meeting, so that means a lot of people will be around.

Tuesday March 20, 2012

I weighed in at 169 this morning. Before Aaron took my IPOD on his walk with him today at noon today I had 1100 steps. Me and Cali went on a short walk around the block on lunch. Didn't walk any tonight, 1because I'm a scaredy cat so I won't walk alone and no one was home to walk with me and 2 because I am lazy. I was nice having a few hours of piece and quiet tonight. But for some reason instead of being relaxed I have become very anxious. I am sitting here right now typing this and don't want anyone to talk to me, can barely stand to watch tv. I feel like I either want to cry or argue (yell) but no one has done anything to me to feel this way. Nothing has happened to make me feel this way. Well I did here from Aaron that when he was at my daddy's house today that he saw my brother come home with blood on his face and his hand wrapped up, yes that upsets me but I was already feeling like this before I heard that news. What to do, what to do!!!

Food for today
1 Atkins Peanut Butter Cups
1 Atkins Coconut Chocolate Protein Bar
1 Atkins Chocolate Protein Shake
2 bowls of lasagna
2 cheese stick
Popcorn
1 Carbmaster Ice Cream Bar

All vitamins and meds taken

4 glasses of water

I will add the pictures tomorrow... to tired right now