Wednesday March 21, 2012

No food log today. Besides my food sucked big time today!!! Just gonna speak about how I feel. Well it started yesterday. I started feeling very anxious. I couldn't even stand to read thru Facebook, read thru and WLS sites, watch TV or even have anyone talk to me. Same has been today also. Even today just trying to work I look over at all of the meds I have to take and think maybe it's time to just take them all. I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. I already see a psychiatrist but the meds are barely helping. Believe me I use to be a lot worse. I don't know how other people feel but I would like to feel nothing. I am not expecting life to be easy and compared to a lot of people I do have it easy. I have a wonderful loving husband, 2 children that love me, a great job that I love and I make good money at. There is no mental or physical abuse in my house. For the most part we say what's on our minds. Now say to yourself... then why is she so depressed? Why is she so unhappy? Well I don't know the answer to that. I fight with myself on who I want to be and who I am. What do I mean by that. Well I mean, I have very deep empathy for people, animals, plants and trees. I feel them hurting and I want to help. I want to do something. Then what happens when I have decided that I am going to help. I back out. Why because I don't like being around people because they use you, they lie to you and just treat you like plain dirt. I never speak up for myself when someone does something wrong. Why? What's the point, I just let them say what they have to say and I walk away. I am not going to stoop to anyone elses level. Plus I am also afraid of what they will do to me. I have started to leave a lot of my family along because they bring a lot of drama into my life. I am all about trying to help you thru with whatever you are going thru and even just to listen to you vent because god knows I need to vent. But if that is all that is going to happen every time I see or talk to you then our visits will be few and far between. Why? Because it's hard enough to keep my drama to myself and to deal with all of the feelings I deal with on a daily basis. I need positive people in my life. And I have those and I am very thankful for them. They give me just the right amount of love and space I need and they also understand that I will always be there for them. What am I getting at? Well nothing. This is me... everyday... whether you see a smile on my face or not, this is what I feel like every second of every day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day because I have to go into the office for a meeting, so that means a lot of people will be around.