Day 2

So this morning I really did not want to get up. I slept until I had to get up which was just enough time to shower and start work by 9am. I had my 2 protein shakes and felt the pain of hunger today. My darling husband comes home with banana bread right before dinner. So I have 2 slices before dinner and 2 after. I had BBQ chicken wings for dinner. Again I am so tired and it's only 7:50pm. Tomorrow's a new day.

New Beginning

The year is almost over and in a few days momma will have been gone for 3 years.  I have lost my way on this weight loss journey. Yes, I did get down to I believe my lowest was 161 but as of this morning I am back up to 207. I suffer from food addiction and depression. I am on medication for both of these. However, I still allow these to control my life and hence the weight gain. Now I can I tell you I see a therapist as well. She tells me things I need to do like get a hobby, find a friend, get out of the house.... All of these things are harder than they sound. I fear rejection from other people so I don't put myself out there. And without having other people to lean on then world comes crashing down on you every now and then. When you are the only woman in the house and have no other woman to talk to and your mom is gone, well your world is different. It's harder. It's more stressful. It's filled with more tears.  I don't visit her grave because I don't believe that is where she is but I have my own conversations with her.  Would I want her back? That's a tricky question because that means I would be selfish to want her here suffering in order for me to have my mommy. Sometimes I want that because I feel like I am hurting that bad and only a moms love, arms can heal... But I wouldn't want her here to suffer for me to be happy. I ask myself when will I be happy? Why am I not happy? I don't know the answer to these questions. I don't know if I will ever find the answer to these questions. But I am grateful for my wonderful husband that has stood by me thru all of this and continues to try to help me thru this. He tries so hard and has to put up with so much from me. I don't show him or tell him how much he means to me. Or how much I appreciate him. Because I am too depressed or mad to do so. I'm sorry Ben, I love you sweetheart and l appreciate you every minute of every day. As for today, well I guess I decided I wanted to see if I could use my weight lose tool again and lose some of this unwanted weight. I am in an XL shirt and those are getting tight and a size 14 pant. My tool is still there because I can still only eat small portions. But my portions are bigger than what they should be. So today I started on 2 protein shakes and 1 meal. Well wish me luck!

Swans in Swanton VT

Swan's in Swanton VT

Jayden

Jayden at the pumpkin patch

Tattoo

My tribute tattoo to momma and daddy

New Year

Ok so it's a new year and like most people I am starting it off trying to get of the weight I have gained. I am up to 195lbs and I am not liking it at all. I have worked out 3 days in a row and today instead of working out I went to my first OA meeting. I have to say I was full of anxiety however I am going to give it a try. I really really don't want to continue on the upward journey of weight gain. My depression is a lot better now that my doctor has finally found the drugs that work. Here are some things that have happened over the past few months.

We lost Sandra (Vicky, Tommy and Gary's mom), Larry (Aunt Bonnie's husband) and Symona (co-worker) all to cancer in what seemed like one right after another. Then we lost Debbie (Ray and Angie's mom, Matthew and Aaron's grandmother) and Ronnie (Aunt Darlene's husband) just a few days ago. I am so tired of all of the loss. I understand it is much better to be home with God than it is to be here. But it doesn't stop the pain that myself and my family are going through. It just sucks. There is nothing you can say to anyone to let them know how sorry you are for their loss. There are not enough hugs. Not enough anything. Times like these I really wish I had my mom here to talk to.

Work is going great. Family is fine. Home is fine. Nothing new to report on anything there.

After I went to the OA meeting tonight I started feeling very lonely and wanted to cry. I tried to explain it to Ben that I just don't have anyone that can relate to what I am going through. I know I have all of the support from family and friends that a person could ever ask for but they don't know what I am going through. I want to talk to others about what they are going through. I want someone to relate to my over-eating food addiction. Ok I'm not saying that I don't have anyone that listens to me because I do. But they just don't understand what I am feeling. I am being giving ideas on how to change my habits instead of someone just understanding and communicating with me about what's going on.

That's all for now!