Thursday March 29, 2012

Going to write before I forget. My psych doctor just up'd my meds and added another one to them to give them a boost. I hope it does help because I am so tired of these mood swings. I think I may need to get my hormones tested sooner than later.

Other than that, tired (meaning sleepy) most of the day. Worked and just watched TV. Me and Jason went and got Jayden today while I was in Nashville for my psych appt.  Didn't go walking today since I didn't get off until 615pm and no one would go with me...and let's face it. I was just too tired to go.

Well that's all for now

Wednesday March 28, 2012

Nothing new to add today. All in all I have had a good day. A few episodes of anxiety throughout the day but nothing too bad. Went on a walk/jog with Jason. We drove the car around to see how many miles it is where we go. It is 1.6 miles. I had a mole removed today that I have had since before I had boobs. Don't miss it right now. I was just so tired of it getting in the way of my bra strap and it looked so ugly.

Just want to point out it's 10pm and I just ate a small bag of chips and salsa. I took my ambien over 2 hours ago and I am still not sleepy. Just another thing to talk to the docs about.

Well that's enough of my boring life today.

Tuesday March 27, 2012

So I haven't wrote anything in a few days. Things have been a lot better. Friday I went out and got my ear pierced. Saturday I spent most of the day to myself and got a pedicure. And on Sunday, me and Ben went to his friends house and rode horses. Of course I rode a little more than him but that's ok. I had fun. Can't wait to ride again.

I have walked/jogged the last couple of days. Aaron shown me some simple stomach exercises. My water still needs to go up. I know I keep saying that but it really is hard for me to drink when I'm not thirsty.

Here are some pictures

Thursday March 22, 2012

I understand that why I said yesterday or what I have said in the past has bothered you and I am sorry. I know you love me and I love you too. And you know who I am talking about because there is only a select few of you that I care enough about to send you a direct link to my blog. I know you are there to listen, cheer me on when I need and be there when I need it. I love you for that. But I need this to take note of what I am going thru. I need to believe that by me posting this or any of my other blogs that some other person is going thru the same thing. That what I may say will click with them and they will not feel like they are alone. I feel strong in a way. I know right from wrong and I know what I am suppose to do. But the problem is my brain is lost in depression and anxiety. I feel like I can not stop all of the feelings and now that I am writing this, I don't think I have any thoughts running thru my mind. I just feel!!!  Anyone reading this and feeling sorry for me, well please don't. I am working thru it. I am strong. This is just my path in life, to feel things. Maybe one day it will come to me what I am suppose to do with the way I feel. What is the reason for it. And yes I believe there is a reason for everything.

Love you all and thank you for being you!!!

Wednesday March 21, 2012

No food log today. Besides my food sucked big time today!!! Just gonna speak about how I feel. Well it started yesterday. I started feeling very anxious. I couldn't even stand to read thru Facebook, read thru and WLS sites, watch TV or even have anyone talk to me. Same has been today also. Even today just trying to work I look over at all of the meds I have to take and think maybe it's time to just take them all. I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. I already see a psychiatrist but the meds are barely helping. Believe me I use to be a lot worse. I don't know how other people feel but I would like to feel nothing. I am not expecting life to be easy and compared to a lot of people I do have it easy. I have a wonderful loving husband, 2 children that love me, a great job that I love and I make good money at. There is no mental or physical abuse in my house. For the most part we say what's on our minds. Now say to yourself... then why is she so depressed? Why is she so unhappy? Well I don't know the answer to that. I fight with myself on who I want to be and who I am. What do I mean by that. Well I mean, I have very deep empathy for people, animals, plants and trees. I feel them hurting and I want to help. I want to do something. Then what happens when I have decided that I am going to help. I back out. Why because I don't like being around people because they use you, they lie to you and just treat you like plain dirt. I never speak up for myself when someone does something wrong. Why? What's the point, I just let them say what they have to say and I walk away. I am not going to stoop to anyone elses level. Plus I am also afraid of what they will do to me. I have started to leave a lot of my family along because they bring a lot of drama into my life. I am all about trying to help you thru with whatever you are going thru and even just to listen to you vent because god knows I need to vent. But if that is all that is going to happen every time I see or talk to you then our visits will be few and far between. Why? Because it's hard enough to keep my drama to myself and to deal with all of the feelings I deal with on a daily basis. I need positive people in my life. And I have those and I am very thankful for them. They give me just the right amount of love and space I need and they also understand that I will always be there for them. What am I getting at? Well nothing. This is me... everyday... whether you see a smile on my face or not, this is what I feel like every second of every day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day because I have to go into the office for a meeting, so that means a lot of people will be around.

Tuesday March 20, 2012

I weighed in at 169 this morning. Before Aaron took my IPOD on his walk with him today at noon today I had 1100 steps. Me and Cali went on a short walk around the block on lunch. Didn't walk any tonight, 1because I'm a scaredy cat so I won't walk alone and no one was home to walk with me and 2 because I am lazy. I was nice having a few hours of piece and quiet tonight. But for some reason instead of being relaxed I have become very anxious. I am sitting here right now typing this and don't want anyone to talk to me, can barely stand to watch tv. I feel like I either want to cry or argue (yell) but no one has done anything to me to feel this way. Nothing has happened to make me feel this way. Well I did here from Aaron that when he was at my daddy's house today that he saw my brother come home with blood on his face and his hand wrapped up, yes that upsets me but I was already feeling like this before I heard that news. What to do, what to do!!!

Food for today
1 Atkins Peanut Butter Cups
1 Atkins Coconut Chocolate Protein Bar
1 Atkins Chocolate Protein Shake
2 bowls of lasagna
2 cheese stick
Popcorn
1 Carbmaster Ice Cream Bar

All vitamins and meds taken

4 glasses of water

I will add the pictures tomorrow... to tired right now

Monday March 19, 2012

Weighed in at 170lbs. Totals steps as of 9pm 12258. The majority of the steps is when Matthew got home. We walked around the neighborhood, then walked up to the gas station and then took the long way back home. It's was a cool walk. It's always nice to be with someone when I do these long walks. I was a little anxious today but after taking my meds I felt better. Found out today that overtime at work my be over. I was really looking forward to getting another months of overtime for my trip to Las Vegas in May for the WLS Meet and Greet. Since I have already purchased the meet and greet ticket, I will need to buy my plane ticket this weekend. I am very excited about going. To meet so many people who have had the WLS. To just be someone new and adventurous. It's going to be great.

Ok my foods for today
1Atkins shake
1 Bowl of lasagna
1 Cookie
2 cheese stick with turkey meat
1 carbmaster ice cream bar
1 Atkins peanut butter cups
3 cheese sticks

4 Glasses of water

Sunday March 18, 2012

I weighed in at 170. Total steps taken 15270.

Me and Ben went for a 3 hour walk in the park today. It was so beautiful out. Took some pictures. I need to get them uploaded and I will post. I am so tired and my body hurts from cutting the yard yesterday and all of the walking today. Resting now.

Here is my food for today, I will upload my pictures of my foods later. For some reason they are don't going into my email right now.

1 Grande Caramel Frappuccino
2 Scrambled Eggs
1 Snickers Ice Cream Bar
Chips, Salsa, Sour Cream, Half of a Chicken and Cheese Quesadilla
1 Strawberry Daiquiri
2 Coconut Chocolate Protein Bar
Chips and Sour Cream

3 Glasses of water

 Some pictures of the day at the park

Saturday March 17, 2012

I weighed in with my clothes on at 171lbs ... Total steps today 5758

I worked 7 hours today giving me a total of 50 hours this week. Then me and Cali walked around the block and boy did it feel good outside. So I decided to come back home from my walk and mow the yard.  It drizzled on me just about the whole time but that was ok, it needed to be done. I am tired but feel good. Took a short nap today since it was so quiet here. It has been a good day.

Now for the foods I have eaten so far today.


2 Cheese Sticks
2  Bowls of Lasagna
1 Slice of Banana Bread
1 Cinnamelt
1 Snack Package of Nuts
1 Coconut Chocolate Protein Bar
1 Carbmaster Ice Cream Bar
4 Glasses of water

Friday, March 16, 2012

I didn't weigh in today because I didn't get up till after 8 and didn't take a shower till 230pm. I imagine it is around the same as it has been. I do feel better today.

I read a post on facebook today, another WLS patient was going to start taking pictures of the food she eats hoping that shows her more than just writing it down. I think that is a great idea. So I have decided that I would like to start doing that. Of course it will have to start tomorrow, since today is almost over.

Well I didn't leave the house today so I may have gotten a total of 300 steps in today. Can you believe that a healthy person can only take 300 steps in a day? Wow I am truly a lazy person. No wonder I have put on 10lbs. I really have to stop worrying so much about work and if I'm getting in all of the time I should be getting in, meaning overtime. I already know I'm not taking full advantage of it like I should. But I need to start worrying about my health and going for a walk either in the mornings or at lunch. 300 steps!!! Please!!! That is uncalled for.

Foods for today... again like everyday, not very good
Atkins Protein Shake
Atkins Coconut Chocolate Protein snack bar
Banana nut bread
Bowl of Lasagna.. I'm guessing a cup and a half....but you should have seen the bowl Ben made for me...WHOA! Boy he loves me but way too much food... Love you babe!
Hershey Bar

Again not so good on water, I don't know what it is, but it is very hard for me to even remember to drink something. Even if it's sitting right in front of me.. I don't want it. I think at this moment 917pm I am working on my 2nd glass of water.

I guess that's all for tonight. Talk to you tomorrow.

Thursday March 15, 2012

Don't really feel like posting today... here are my steps though 3830

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow... just mentally and physically tired thats all

Wednesday March 14, 2012

Weighed in at 170 on 03/14/12

I didn't blog yesterday because I felt bad. Had a headache and tummy troubles. I did make myself to get out of the house and walk around the block

Steps 3901

Foods yesterday not so good, lets see what I remember
Carbmaster yogurt
Small bowl of Chili
a few pieces of chicken meat (like the sandwich meat but the thicker slices)
an apple
popcorn
Hershey bar
a couple of octopus sour patch kids

3 glasses of water

All vitamins and meds taken

Ok now for today
Slept till 10:30am, just still felt bad. Matthew needed help at work because no one was helping at work. I feel for him because they did me the same way. He said he felt so much better today once I explained things to him.  I didn't get my walk around the block with going into the office at 1:30pm till 5:30pm and then going to the store afterword. Overall I have felt fine after I got up this morning. My tummy is still kinda iffy but ok otherwise.


Food for today
Bowl of Chili
Grande Carmel Frappacino with a banana nut bread
Honey BBQ Wings -10
Hershey Bar

3 Glasses of water

Total steps today 2306

All meds taken, no vitamins taken today

Monday March 12, 2012

Today was a bad eating day so here it goes

2 scrambled eggs
half a ham & turkey & cheese sandwich
banana nut bread
grand caramel frappacino
snickers ice cream bar

3 glasses of water

I did put on my pedometer today and walked around the neighborhood twice. I was a very nice afternoon to walk.

Total steps today: 7755

Sunday March11, 2012

Weighed in at 172lbs, went on a 2 hour walk with Ben

2 scrambled eggs
individual packet of nuts
4 pieces of chicken and 2 biscuits
2 carbmaster  ice cream bars


Had a lovely day, now just tired.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Saturday March 10, 2012

Did not weigh in today. I got up and worked for a few hours and then left the house and was gone for most of the day. Boy did I need the time to myself but I am still stressed. The meds don't feel like they are working. All day today I have had the look of disgust on my face and I feel it in my body. Nobody did anything to bring it on, I just felt like it. I still fell like it now at 11pm. Tomorrow I hope me and Ben can find something to do besides sitting around the house or going to the mall. Ok now for my food

Marble Mocha Machiato with extra expresso and banana nut bread
2 steak tacos with garlic mushrooms, sour cream and cheese with a few chips and salsa
a carbamaster icecream bar
I guess 6 pieces of chocolate... to bad I don't have more
I know I'm missing but can't remember what

Talk to you tomorrow!

Friday March 9, 2012

Did not weigh in today. Both kids were here again today. I had a little bit more help today but still stressed. It's 635pm and I feel like biting everyones head off.

Lots of banana bread
cheese snacks
caramel frappacino
baked potato with pulled pork
chocolate

More meds tonight!!!

Can anyone say stress!!!!

Thursday March 8, 2012

I weighed in at 172

Carbmaster Yogurt
1/2 poptart
piece of chicken
carbmaster yogurt
tortilla chips with a small amount of cheese dip
manicotti, a few bites of mashed potatoes and bread
a couple bites of a snickers ice cream bar


Jayden is over here and since he woke up this morning the terrible twos have been effect big time.  I am so stressed from all of the yelling and screaming. We are all eating lunch right now so everything is quiet.

So Jayden started all of the yelling again and it was decided that he needed to take a nap. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep. I am so stressed. And you know what I did, I texted DH and told him about it and asked for him to take me out to dinner after he got off work. That was my first thought... FOOD!!! Wow!!! I could have just asked him to get me out of the house. I can't leave right now because I am working and I can't take a break to go walking because it's raining. Stuck in the house with all of the crying and yelling.  UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok something is seriously wrong with me. I got me some chips and cheese dip which by the way there wasn't much left and I have a child on me taking the stuff away from me. Man that just pissed me off. What is wrong with me, a child should have whatever they want to eat over you eating it. Now I just have a feeling that none will be left and I will sit here being pissed off about it! Let me just say this that she is 4 and she has been eating all day so it's not like I'm starving her. But man!!!! This sucks today!! So I was just over reacting as usual. She gave me the bag back shortly after I wrote about it. But I was still so stressed that when DH came home I got dressed up and we went out to eat and went to the book store. I had a lemonade mixed drink which was pretty good but I sure was feeling sick afterwards. I am feeling better that I am back home now that it's time to go to bed. Hopefully my meds will kick in soon and I will be asleep.

Talk to you tomorrow!

Wednesday March 7, 2012

Today I am 18months post op from my VSG. I weighed in this morning at 172 and when I did my measurements I actually gained an inch in my chest waist and hips. And looking at my weight chart (I didn't log last months numbers) since January I have gained 10lbs. That feels awful to me and I hate it. Now I do take all of the blame because of my bad habits of not eating correctly and not moving (exercising). Even though my eating was very bad today I at least got out and walked and played with my nephew outside.

Here is my days activities
Got up at 445am
Took my shower
Started working
Stopped working at 315pm
Did a few dishes, swept and mopped the kitchen floor, changed the cat liter
Sat and watched a little bit of tv
Went walking around the block
Played outside with my nephew
Watched tv

Its 830pm and I am writing this and watching tv. Waiting for my meds to kick in so I can go to sleep.

Boring day huh, well trust me that is more activity than I have done in a long while. Its usually get up, shower, work, get off work, watch tv, go to bed

Things have got to change. I did not have this surgery to get fat and unhealthy again. I just don't know how to overcome my addiction to food and my fear of doing things alone. This has always been a part of me and I understand it will take a lot of effort to change the habits and fears. But man, it really feels like things will never change.

Oh yeah food, let's see if I remember
Carbmaster yogurt
2 cheese snacks
Tortilla Chips (multiple times today)
Roast (a full bowl, not a kiddie bowl, a regular bowl)
3 pieces of chocolate

I'm sure I'm missing something.

Well that's all for now, talk to you tomorrow

Monday March 5, 2012

Didn't weigh in today

What I've eaten so far today

2 scrambled eggs with 1 piece of toast
Grande Marble Mocha Machiato with a slice of banana nut bread
Carb Master Blackberry yogurt
Small portion of roast beef, carrots, green beans
Hershey Bar
2 Cheese Sticks

Still not doing good on my water. I get maybe 4 glasses in everyday. Without ice it's a 12oz glass of water, with ice it's a 10oz glass of water. It normally takes me a while to drink it so the ice is already melted making it a 12oz glass. So I need to add a few more glasses.

I went to see the dentist today about my jaw. It has been hurting me for a month now.  When I got my teeth cleaned last month my jaw popped and it has been hurting. It gives me a earache and a headache. I also hurts to eat the tougher foods. He gave me some meds and told me to wear a night guard to keep from grinding my teeth at night. He also said it is something that will need to be worked out with meds.

I had to borrow money from my nephew to get my meds that cost $75 for 5 prescriptions. And I had to borrow money from S1 to pay the rent. I don't understand why our money goes so fast, we didn't even do anything this weekend and it was all gone. Sucks a lot of the time but have to be thankful that we all have jobs and that we are all willing to pitch in and help pay the bills around here.

I am feeling more anxiety today and had to take more of meds than usual. I didn't find myself eating though which is very good. Luckily I was working when the anxiety was at it's highest so that kept me distracted and away from the fridge. Since I got off work I have eaten my dinner and snack. I have kept busy by looking at the OH website and now writing my blog. But it will be time to take my meds again in a little while and go to sleep and that tends to be when I want to eat. I think I am fighting going to sleep but don't know why because I am taking something to put me to sleep. Weird I know. But I believe I am weird in a lot of ways.

Now that I have it on my mind let's look at the ways that I am weird
1. I want attention but can not stand to be around anyone
2. I talk to myself inside my head, having real conversations on whatever it is that I am thinking about.
3. I worry about what other people all of the time but don't want to take the time to check on them because I don't want to have to deal with them
4. I am scared to go anywhere by myself because I believe something is going to happen to me even though in reality I know there is a very slim chance of that happening. I also allow this feeling to keep me from doing almost everything in my life. Including hanging out with friends, exercising, sitting outside, going walking...I could go on

Well I know there is more but can't think of anything else right now.

Sunday March 4, 2012

Today is Sunday 03/04/12 and I weighed in at 169.4

Well today has started off crappy. I bought a dish drainer yesterday because I was tired of seeing all of the dishes pile up. I told S2 and the nephew if they dirty a dish they have to wash it. Well what did I wake up too? Dirty dishes in the sink. Trash on the floor of the kitchen and livingroom. Man I am so sick of this. So stressed, I just want to sleep!!!!

Well that's exactly what I did today is sleep. I slept till 4:30pm. Home alone with DH, wonderful. No noise just us two.

Food, well nothing good for me I'll say that.
Protein shake
Lots of grapes
Cheese
Chips and Salsa
Snickers Ice Cream Bar

Talk to you tomorrow

Saturday March 3, 2012

Today is Saturday 03/03/12 and I weighed in at 170lbs.

Me and S1 went to the store and got lots of protein packed food. I had a Strawberry Mint Kroger Brand Greek yogurt with grapes. Wasn't the best but the protein is good. I have also had a grande extra coffee caramel frappaccino and a banana nut bread. Its a very beautiful day and I really should be outside right now but no, not in the mood. But whatever, eventually it will sink in that I don't want to get fat again.