Monday, June 11, 2012
Vacation 2012
We left Sunday Morning at 8am, we drove forever it seemed like. At 2 am we decided we were too tired to go on. We found a hotel in Calcium NY. We all slept really good because by 1030 Ben was waking us up to get ready to go. So we drove around sight seeing. Went played in a small lake. Stopped at Ben's momma's house and had dinner. We a great talk with each other. 1st vacation day was good. Let's see what tomorrow will hold.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
So Hungry at night time
So today was better than yesterday. Still in a happy mood. Matthew have me laughing a lot today. He would send me funny pictures from sametime (IM). That was nice. I also woke up to weighing 170 lbs and my clothes fitting tighter. So I had Greek yogurt, string cheese, protein shake, Cajun catfish, water, water, water... until about 8 then it was another string cheese, protein bar, and a turkey sandwich with the bread toasted and buttered. I should be asleep right now but instead I keep fighting to go to sleep. Then I don't get a full night sleep. I am at a loss at what to do at night that hour or so before bedtime to keep my head from thinking about food. The title of this blog says So Hungry at night time... well that's a lie.... I am not truly hunger. My tummy feels like it is growling but I think it's just the acid processing the food. I have not done any kind of exercise in a few weeks. I just can't get my foot out the door. Today I thought I was going to go into work so I got up and took a shower and got dressed, so guess what I used that excuse as why I didn't do like a video exercise or something. Well that's all I have to say tonight.
Monday, June 4, 2012
A new day
So weird how my feelings have changed from yesterday to today. I got up this morning even though I wanted to continue to stay in bed. I worked without getting stressed out. I laughed...really I did... I laughed. And I got to be with my husband. I got to feel the closeness that a loving couple should feel. I am... well... happy! I don't know what the difference was from yesterday to today. Besides getting out of bed and having something to do everything was the same. Yeah, Yeah, I know what you are thinking. So why didn't you just get up and move around yesterday and maybe you wouldn't have been in that funk. Sounds right doesn't it. But the way I felt yesterday, the sadness, the loneliness... I didn't want to be out of bed. I didn't want to be happy. I just wanted to be left alone. Left in the quiet. I can only hope tomorrow will be better than today. Even though I wanted to just run out the door and down the street just to run. I just couldn't make it out the today. Maybe tomorrow I will make it out the door. Maybe not for a run, maybe for a walk. The one thing I know is that I need to get out and do something. I can feel the energy wanting to come out and play but the monster inside won't let it out. It keeps me hidden, afraid and ashamed. No I'm not talking about anyone in my house I am talking about the monster in my head. I keep trying different medicines to get rid of it but nothing is working. I don't want to feel anything anymore and I don't know how to get that thru to my doc. I guess maybe he wouldn't be a good doc if he just gave me what I wanted instead of what I need to get better. I feel like I am kind of in the same mindset as before I had the surgery. Feeling that I don't deserve anything. I am worthless. I am a failure so why bother trying. This mindset has taken me back to my food. I never really thought food gave me pleasure... well meaning.. if I was sad it would make me happy... or if I was angry it would calm me down. I always thought food for me was a boredom issue. I don't know if does anything like that for me. But just sitting here writing this out, I do know that I go to food when I feel like I have failed. Something has gone wrong and it is my fault so that means I have failed at something so I might as well have this chocolate cake with ice cream. Why not, I'm not worth anything more than that anyways. I haven't learned how to release those feelings without making it all about me and how I failed at something and then stuffing my face. There is a bigger issue and I don't know what it is. I desperately want to know what it is. As when I was bigger I felt so tired all of the time... well that is how I feel now.. so tired all of the time. My happiness gets to shine every once in a while but that monster just pulls it right back in. If anyone is reading this and you know me, I bet you are thinking to yourself, wow I would never have thought this about her. She hides it so well. Why yes I do. I hide it very well from the people on the outside. Why? Well it's my problem. I don't want to make what I am feeling make you feel bad. Yes I am writing here and maybe you are reading it. Well I have given you the choice to read it and think what you want without me knowing it. Without me wondering what you are thinking. Wondering if you still like me now or are you going to start talking about me. This is a release for me because there is no way I would be able to say these things to anyone in person. In my head, I am telling myself... why tell anyone, why talk about it.. nothing is going to change. No one can help you but you. I don't really believe anything big is wrong with me. I just believe I was never taught how to handle problems. How to deal with life. How to deal with people. I mean, how can you teach a child never to speak back and to do what you are told otherwise you will get into big trouble and expect them to do well in life. Well if I never speak up and I don't think outside the box then I am basically someone's slave, just like my mother's and grandmother's were to their husbands. Don't get me wrong, my husband Ben, he loves me so deeply and unconditionally that would never happen here. Plus I kind of made that perfectly clear when we got together that no man would ever tell me what to do again. So I am perfectly safe in my home with my husband and sons but what about the outside world. What happens if I speak my mind out there? If I am upset about something and say something the wrong way... well I might get hurt. Well I don't want that to happen, so instead of putting myself in a potential situation like that, well I stay at home. Ok, what about work, how do you get people to listen to you when no one listened before? Well I have always done the best I could to make my parents, family and friends proud of me. I do that at work now. I over achieve to make others notice me. Well of course these days it not that hard to notice me with all of my tattoos. But that's off the subject. I am very friendly and confident. I am patient and do my best to help anyone at work. This is how I become known. This is how I get raises. People play with me and say they are scared when they get an email from me and I could just be saying HI! People have told me before that when they first met me that I intimidated them. I have asked why and all they say is I don't know, you just did. I feel like I have a smile on my face all of the time when I am around people so why would you see me and feel intimidated? Yeah on some level that makes me chuckle. But I would rather you seen me for the first time and felt like we have known each other forever. But even I can't get that feeling with other people. Well why am I rambling.... I don't know that answer either. Felt like talking I guess.
Good Night Sweet Dreams
Good Night Sweet Dreams
Sunday, June 3, 2012
So mentally tired today
I got up this morning and took a shower. I was hoping that me and Ben would go see a movie. But by the time he was ready to go I was again back in a funk. I went back to sleep. I have been in bed all day long. Just getting up to get something to drink, eat or pee. I have not wanted to get out of this bed at all. Why? Well let me think about that. The comfort of the bed. The relaxation of just laying around. The avoidance of going anywhere and seeing anybody. There is no need to speak. Only the thoughts in my head. Some good some bad. Thoughts of work that starts tomorrow. Thoughts of going to Vermont next week. Thoughts of momma, daddy, tonia, bo, rocky and angel. I didn't eat much today but what I did eat was a piece of cake, a banana nut bread, a totino's pizza, a chocolate bar, a few pieces of cheese. Junk right! I know. I woke up this morning weighing in at 170. Well that is unacceptable. But I did not do anything about it. I just continued to lay here. My crying episodes were not around today. More of a blah day with the verge of tears at any moment. I have to go into the office on Tuesday to talk with the managers about the performances of their employees. And here lately I have been slipping by becoming outspoken in a negative way. Well I can not do that. I will lose my job. I love my job and I do not want to lose it. I want my doctor to figure out how to get me back on track. I am so tired of feeling like this. I am only 40 and I am hiding away like a 80 or 90 year old person that can no longer take care of themselves. How to I get myself out the door everyday to go walk/run? How do I get myself to work out? How do I get myself to stop eating junk and start eating good food? I'm afraid to talk to anyone feeling I will look like a failure. I know other people have the same problems but what do I have to offer to help them. I can not even help myself. I avoid making comments on facebook groups because I don't do enough research to know what I am talking about. I eat whatever. I do whatever. I truly don't know how to help anyone not even myself. I wish more people could read this blog about my mindset. But then again would I actually do anything someone suggests?
Things on my mind
Before you start reading this let me just let you know up front it will be very emotional and will have things that you may not want to read. With that being said, I just need to put this out there today. I don't know why, I just feel that I do.
Today was a fine day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I picked up Jayden and we went to a water park with Austin, went to McDonalds let Jayden play. Came home took a nap, got up and played with Jayden some more. When Ben came home we took Jayden home. Me and Ben went to Outback to eat. While we were sitting there we were talking. Just regular talking. Then I started crying. I don't know why I just did. I cried off and on for at least an hour. Ben thinks it is a release for me. I guess I can see that seeing how this came on from no where. Let's start with my life story, shortened of course because I don't remember the majority of it and I don't want to bore anyone reading this with 40 years of life. And while you read this, It may seem more like rambling with things out of place. So in advance.. sorry about that.
I born September 4, 1971 to Mildred and Walter Loggins. My name is Deborah Kay Loggins. My family has called me Debbie all of my life and it is funny to hear anyone call me Deborah.
I was always told that my dad had left before I was a year old. I don't know if that is true or not. I know I have asked before I just don't remember the answer. The next part of my life comes when I am 5 years old. I remember having a birthday party. By that time my mom had married my stepfather who had 2 sons and 1 daughter. And my mom and stepfather had a son. I don't remember too much about my childhood so this will be really random and not much explanation. I know we use to have people live with us. I don't know if it was because we needed the help or if it was to help the people. I remember having to eat everything on my plate or I couldn't get up until I did. I remember getting spanked with a thick wooden paddle because one of the children did something wrong. I remember having to pick up nails, scraps and trash when the family was helping my stepfather when he was working either on our house or someone else's. I remember my grandmother Meador buying mine and my sister's school clothes, giving momma money for food or bills. I remember not being able to date until I was 16 and even then I had to have someone with me. I remember from a very young age that I molested by my stepbrothers and it continued into my teens. Why? Because I didn't know that wasn't something that wasn't suppose to happen. I remember never talking back to my mother or stepfather because I would get slapped across the face or spanked with the paddle. I remember never being able to voice my opinion because it never mattered. I remember that when my mother married my stepfather it became more about him and his family. Me and Tonia (my sister) were left out. I remember when my dad got with my stepmother it became all about her. And then they had kids and it was all about my stepmother and the kids. Again me and Tonia were left out. I remember going to my grandmothers house, which lived right down the street from us, all the time. That was the only place I felt like I belonged. I remember seeing my dad drive right by my house to go to granny's house but never stopped to get me and Tonia. My aunts would usually call us to tell us that daddy was up there. I remember 2 of my aunts that stilled lived with granny used to try to scare me and my sister by saying there were men looking in the windows or they heard something outside. I remember being scared all the time. I remember being shy and quiet all of the time. I remember doing the best I could at things so that I could get my parents attention. I remember that I was the only one out of 8 children that graduated high school. I remember falling in love with a boy and then him physically abusing me. I remember I didn't understand why he did that because I had done nothing wrong. But I loved him and continued to stay. I remember when my parents found out what he was doing and they confronted him. My stepfather started beating the crap out of him. I remember wondering why he thought he had a right to hit him when he (my stepfather) spanked me with a wooden paddle on my bare butt putting bruises on me because I took 50 cents from his truck without asking. I remember graduating and leaving home to live with this abusive boy because I knew no different. I remember getting pregnant with my first son and giving this young man a chance to stay or walk away. He stayed and he never hit me again. There was no love from him either but I still stayed because I knew no better. I remember deciding I had enough of being ignored and was going to leave. Well that made him change for a moment and we got married. I remember getting pregnant with my 2nd son. I remember having to move in with his brother because for some reason we couldn't pay our bills. I remember being ignored again and deciding I wasn't going to accept that and I left. I remember that he didn't care that I left with his son and unborn son. I remember he moved on with his life like we didn't matter. I remember we gave it another try but there still was no love. I remember finally deciding I was going to be a young woman and go out and meet people and have fun. I remember going dancing and drinking. I remember meeting a guy at subway and dating him for a while. I remember that because of that dude I meet this other dude who I couldn't stop talking too. I think in fact it became an obsession. I remember when that dude came over to my house the 1st time. Well he never left. I remember demanding up front that I was never to be treated with disrespect and I was never going to be told what to do ever again. I remember him staying and allowing me to become me. I remember never allowing him to have any discipline rights over the kids because what I went thru as a child with my stepfather. I remember him respecting my decision and still staying with me. I remember asking him if my ex-husband could live with us because I wanted to make sure he stayed in the kids life. I remember he stood by me and allow this to happen more than once. I remember throwing fits and making bad decisions. I remember him standing by my side and loving me. Some more stuff from childhood. I remember I never knew if a boy really liked me or not because I had red hair and some would just want to know if my hair down there was the same color. Others acted like they liked me but I was so scared and unsure of myself I didn't know if it was true and I didn't know what to do. I remember one winter it snowed really good. I remember sledding down the big hill by our house. I remember a childhood family vacation in our trailer to go see my Aunt Dorothy in Wyoming. I remember some time spent with the family in Gatlinburg at a cabin that either a friend of my stepfather owned or the person he worked for owned. I remember having friends but always getting jealous when they would show the others attention. Seemed I could only have one friend at a time because I was jealous over other people taking them away from me. I remember my stepfather continuously working on our house but never finishing anything. I remember them losing the house because momma felt she couldn't keep up with it anymore. I remember being told by different people in the family that she did not have a right to do that because the house belonged to me and Tonia. I remember that my stepbrothers and stepsister always got a portion of something that belonged to me and Tonia...meaning if our grandparents gave us something, momma would make sure the others got something too. In my mind they were our grandparents and not their's, just something else being taken away from me. I remember seeking out male attention even if it was just to please them, just to feel wanted at that moment. I remember never learning how to be an adult or what the world was.
I know with everything my brain decides to remember I have used that to live my life by... what to do and what not to do.
I love my kids so much it hurts me if they get hurt
With Ben's help I have found myself and now I need to learn to love myself
I had WLS because I refuse to continue to kill myself with food
I try my very best to show love and compassion to everyone and treat them with respect
Here's the weird part about me that I probably have said before.
I want to help people and to be like by people however I am scared to death to be around people. Why? Well I don't want to feel stupid or say something stupid and people think that I am. I don't want to be around people who just talk crap all of the time. They piss me off. I don't want to be around people who are negative all of the time (why am I with myself?). I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't have hobbies or things I love doing. I am just a simple person who wants to sit in her house and watch tv. When I get into certain moods I have conversations with myself. Here is how one goes. "I want to go to the store and get some lotion" "Why? you don't need any lotion, it's not like you are going anywhere. You don't need it, no one cares what you look like". So I don't go because I'm not worthy of a $2 bottle of lotion. People have no manners anymore. It always about them. That is why I try to keep my mouth shut and not say anything about myself. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't jump in front of people in lines. I don't walk all over people. Now if I do any of these things I don't seem to realize that I am doing them. And it may be because I choose not too.
Are you asking yourself about this time.. Why haven't you went to counseling? Well in my head I see all of the problems and the answers. Getting the answers out is the problem. Too many emotions going on interfering with the answers coming out. I think going to a therapist and talking about what's wrong isn't any different than saying it to myself. I hear the same answers. I just don't do anything required to get better. All of the people I have met in my life have been great. I still love some of them. I continue to meet people who I really want to be my friend. I put on a fake happiness and we become friends. The only difference, I don't hang out with them. I don't talk to them on the phone. Now I don't have a problem texting them or emailing them but anything face to face I will find every way possible to get out of it. Why? I don't know, maybe I'm afraid they will get too close and leave me too.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am so sad or so mad all of the time. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have eaten so badly over the past few days. I don't want the weight to come back on. I want to control this but I don't have control over it. Just like I don't have control over my feelings.
I am healthy, my husband and children are healthy, my job is great. I don't have anything to be sad or mad about. What the heck!
Today was a fine day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I picked up Jayden and we went to a water park with Austin, went to McDonalds let Jayden play. Came home took a nap, got up and played with Jayden some more. When Ben came home we took Jayden home. Me and Ben went to Outback to eat. While we were sitting there we were talking. Just regular talking. Then I started crying. I don't know why I just did. I cried off and on for at least an hour. Ben thinks it is a release for me. I guess I can see that seeing how this came on from no where. Let's start with my life story, shortened of course because I don't remember the majority of it and I don't want to bore anyone reading this with 40 years of life. And while you read this, It may seem more like rambling with things out of place. So in advance.. sorry about that.
I born September 4, 1971 to Mildred and Walter Loggins. My name is Deborah Kay Loggins. My family has called me Debbie all of my life and it is funny to hear anyone call me Deborah.
I was always told that my dad had left before I was a year old. I don't know if that is true or not. I know I have asked before I just don't remember the answer. The next part of my life comes when I am 5 years old. I remember having a birthday party. By that time my mom had married my stepfather who had 2 sons and 1 daughter. And my mom and stepfather had a son. I don't remember too much about my childhood so this will be really random and not much explanation. I know we use to have people live with us. I don't know if it was because we needed the help or if it was to help the people. I remember having to eat everything on my plate or I couldn't get up until I did. I remember getting spanked with a thick wooden paddle because one of the children did something wrong. I remember having to pick up nails, scraps and trash when the family was helping my stepfather when he was working either on our house or someone else's. I remember my grandmother Meador buying mine and my sister's school clothes, giving momma money for food or bills. I remember not being able to date until I was 16 and even then I had to have someone with me. I remember from a very young age that I molested by my stepbrothers and it continued into my teens. Why? Because I didn't know that wasn't something that wasn't suppose to happen. I remember never talking back to my mother or stepfather because I would get slapped across the face or spanked with the paddle. I remember never being able to voice my opinion because it never mattered. I remember that when my mother married my stepfather it became more about him and his family. Me and Tonia (my sister) were left out. I remember when my dad got with my stepmother it became all about her. And then they had kids and it was all about my stepmother and the kids. Again me and Tonia were left out. I remember going to my grandmothers house, which lived right down the street from us, all the time. That was the only place I felt like I belonged. I remember seeing my dad drive right by my house to go to granny's house but never stopped to get me and Tonia. My aunts would usually call us to tell us that daddy was up there. I remember 2 of my aunts that stilled lived with granny used to try to scare me and my sister by saying there were men looking in the windows or they heard something outside. I remember being scared all the time. I remember being shy and quiet all of the time. I remember doing the best I could at things so that I could get my parents attention. I remember that I was the only one out of 8 children that graduated high school. I remember falling in love with a boy and then him physically abusing me. I remember I didn't understand why he did that because I had done nothing wrong. But I loved him and continued to stay. I remember when my parents found out what he was doing and they confronted him. My stepfather started beating the crap out of him. I remember wondering why he thought he had a right to hit him when he (my stepfather) spanked me with a wooden paddle on my bare butt putting bruises on me because I took 50 cents from his truck without asking. I remember graduating and leaving home to live with this abusive boy because I knew no different. I remember getting pregnant with my first son and giving this young man a chance to stay or walk away. He stayed and he never hit me again. There was no love from him either but I still stayed because I knew no better. I remember deciding I had enough of being ignored and was going to leave. Well that made him change for a moment and we got married. I remember getting pregnant with my 2nd son. I remember having to move in with his brother because for some reason we couldn't pay our bills. I remember being ignored again and deciding I wasn't going to accept that and I left. I remember that he didn't care that I left with his son and unborn son. I remember he moved on with his life like we didn't matter. I remember we gave it another try but there still was no love. I remember finally deciding I was going to be a young woman and go out and meet people and have fun. I remember going dancing and drinking. I remember meeting a guy at subway and dating him for a while. I remember that because of that dude I meet this other dude who I couldn't stop talking too. I think in fact it became an obsession. I remember when that dude came over to my house the 1st time. Well he never left. I remember demanding up front that I was never to be treated with disrespect and I was never going to be told what to do ever again. I remember him staying and allowing me to become me. I remember never allowing him to have any discipline rights over the kids because what I went thru as a child with my stepfather. I remember him respecting my decision and still staying with me. I remember asking him if my ex-husband could live with us because I wanted to make sure he stayed in the kids life. I remember he stood by me and allow this to happen more than once. I remember throwing fits and making bad decisions. I remember him standing by my side and loving me. Some more stuff from childhood. I remember I never knew if a boy really liked me or not because I had red hair and some would just want to know if my hair down there was the same color. Others acted like they liked me but I was so scared and unsure of myself I didn't know if it was true and I didn't know what to do. I remember one winter it snowed really good. I remember sledding down the big hill by our house. I remember a childhood family vacation in our trailer to go see my Aunt Dorothy in Wyoming. I remember some time spent with the family in Gatlinburg at a cabin that either a friend of my stepfather owned or the person he worked for owned. I remember having friends but always getting jealous when they would show the others attention. Seemed I could only have one friend at a time because I was jealous over other people taking them away from me. I remember my stepfather continuously working on our house but never finishing anything. I remember them losing the house because momma felt she couldn't keep up with it anymore. I remember being told by different people in the family that she did not have a right to do that because the house belonged to me and Tonia. I remember that my stepbrothers and stepsister always got a portion of something that belonged to me and Tonia...meaning if our grandparents gave us something, momma would make sure the others got something too. In my mind they were our grandparents and not their's, just something else being taken away from me. I remember seeking out male attention even if it was just to please them, just to feel wanted at that moment. I remember never learning how to be an adult or what the world was.
I know with everything my brain decides to remember I have used that to live my life by... what to do and what not to do.
I love my kids so much it hurts me if they get hurt
With Ben's help I have found myself and now I need to learn to love myself
I had WLS because I refuse to continue to kill myself with food
I try my very best to show love and compassion to everyone and treat them with respect
Here's the weird part about me that I probably have said before.
I want to help people and to be like by people however I am scared to death to be around people. Why? Well I don't want to feel stupid or say something stupid and people think that I am. I don't want to be around people who just talk crap all of the time. They piss me off. I don't want to be around people who are negative all of the time (why am I with myself?). I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't have hobbies or things I love doing. I am just a simple person who wants to sit in her house and watch tv. When I get into certain moods I have conversations with myself. Here is how one goes. "I want to go to the store and get some lotion" "Why? you don't need any lotion, it's not like you are going anywhere. You don't need it, no one cares what you look like". So I don't go because I'm not worthy of a $2 bottle of lotion. People have no manners anymore. It always about them. That is why I try to keep my mouth shut and not say anything about myself. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't jump in front of people in lines. I don't walk all over people. Now if I do any of these things I don't seem to realize that I am doing them. And it may be because I choose not too.
Are you asking yourself about this time.. Why haven't you went to counseling? Well in my head I see all of the problems and the answers. Getting the answers out is the problem. Too many emotions going on interfering with the answers coming out. I think going to a therapist and talking about what's wrong isn't any different than saying it to myself. I hear the same answers. I just don't do anything required to get better. All of the people I have met in my life have been great. I still love some of them. I continue to meet people who I really want to be my friend. I put on a fake happiness and we become friends. The only difference, I don't hang out with them. I don't talk to them on the phone. Now I don't have a problem texting them or emailing them but anything face to face I will find every way possible to get out of it. Why? I don't know, maybe I'm afraid they will get too close and leave me too.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am so sad or so mad all of the time. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have eaten so badly over the past few days. I don't want the weight to come back on. I want to control this but I don't have control over it. Just like I don't have control over my feelings.
I am healthy, my husband and children are healthy, my job is great. I don't have anything to be sad or mad about. What the heck!
What the heck!
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