Sunday, June 3, 2012
So mentally tired today
I got up this morning and took a shower. I was hoping that me and Ben would go see a movie. But by the time he was ready to go I was again back in a funk. I went back to sleep. I have been in bed all day long. Just getting up to get something to drink, eat or pee. I have not wanted to get out of this bed at all. Why? Well let me think about that. The comfort of the bed. The relaxation of just laying around. The avoidance of going anywhere and seeing anybody. There is no need to speak. Only the thoughts in my head. Some good some bad. Thoughts of work that starts tomorrow. Thoughts of going to Vermont next week. Thoughts of momma, daddy, tonia, bo, rocky and angel. I didn't eat much today but what I did eat was a piece of cake, a banana nut bread, a totino's pizza, a chocolate bar, a few pieces of cheese. Junk right! I know. I woke up this morning weighing in at 170. Well that is unacceptable. But I did not do anything about it. I just continued to lay here. My crying episodes were not around today. More of a blah day with the verge of tears at any moment. I have to go into the office on Tuesday to talk with the managers about the performances of their employees. And here lately I have been slipping by becoming outspoken in a negative way. Well I can not do that. I will lose my job. I love my job and I do not want to lose it. I want my doctor to figure out how to get me back on track. I am so tired of feeling like this. I am only 40 and I am hiding away like a 80 or 90 year old person that can no longer take care of themselves. How to I get myself out the door everyday to go walk/run? How do I get myself to work out? How do I get myself to stop eating junk and start eating good food? I'm afraid to talk to anyone feeling I will look like a failure. I know other people have the same problems but what do I have to offer to help them. I can not even help myself. I avoid making comments on facebook groups because I don't do enough research to know what I am talking about. I eat whatever. I do whatever. I truly don't know how to help anyone not even myself. I wish more people could read this blog about my mindset. But then again would I actually do anything someone suggests?
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I wish I knew what I could do to help.
ReplyDeleteAwww, that was sweet from Ben!
ReplyDeleteI know where you are coming from. I am stuck at 185 lbs. I know what to do but life has gotten in the way. I have been where you are mentally, I had been terribly depressed. Now, every time I think about it, going back to that place, I have someone in my life that is so much worse off than me, I try to snap back. I take care of a lady who is a paraplegic, why do I worry about losing my home, not finding a job, excellent credit in the tank, worry about my oldest son in another country in the military. Worry is a lack of faith on my part and I know it.
BUT...We are still human, unfortunately!!
You asked about your blog being seen by more people. I am that person. I nearly panicked today in Ross, buying rugs for our new apartment we have to move into on the 25th, walking away from our home we have had for 20 years. That's okay, I have my health, kind of. I will have a roof over my head and food on the table.
My husband is so supportive on my dark days. Sounds like you have support too, I am so very thankful.
I have done some foolish things in my day, I wish I had known people were out there that cared. I was too blinded by what was going on in front of me to look around. I was too deep in the pit and every time I tried to pull myself out, I felt like I was punched back down. I still feel that way sometimes then the Lord puts someone else in my life to show me that it isn't that bad.
Life is hard, life is real.
Just wanted you to know that I am here.
I started a support group for myself, to keep me accountable. It isn't working but it helps others. Some days I do good, the other day I got over 100 g. of protein in, today, well, not so good.
Remember, I am here praying for you in my little part of the world in good ole Georgia!!
;0)