Today was a fine day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I picked up Jayden and we went to a water park with Austin, went to McDonalds let Jayden play. Came home took a nap, got up and played with Jayden some more. When Ben came home we took Jayden home. Me and Ben went to Outback to eat. While we were sitting there we were talking. Just regular talking. Then I started crying. I don't know why I just did. I cried off and on for at least an hour. Ben thinks it is a release for me. I guess I can see that seeing how this came on from no where. Let's start with my life story, shortened of course because I don't remember the majority of it and I don't want to bore anyone reading this with 40 years of life. And while you read this, It may seem more like rambling with things out of place. So in advance.. sorry about that.
I born September 4, 1971 to Mildred and Walter Loggins. My name is Deborah Kay Loggins. My family has called me Debbie all of my life and it is funny to hear anyone call me Deborah.
I was always told that my dad had left before I was a year old. I don't know if that is true or not. I know I have asked before I just don't remember the answer. The next part of my life comes when I am 5 years old. I remember having a birthday party. By that time my mom had married my stepfather who had 2 sons and 1 daughter. And my mom and stepfather had a son. I don't remember too much about my childhood so this will be really random and not much explanation. I know we use to have people live with us. I don't know if it was because we needed the help or if it was to help the people. I remember having to eat everything on my plate or I couldn't get up until I did. I remember getting spanked with a thick wooden paddle because one of the children did something wrong. I remember having to pick up nails, scraps and trash when the family was helping my stepfather when he was working either on our house or someone else's. I remember my grandmother Meador buying mine and my sister's school clothes, giving momma money for food or bills. I remember not being able to date until I was 16 and even then I had to have someone with me. I remember from a very young age that I molested by my stepbrothers and it continued into my teens. Why? Because I didn't know that wasn't something that wasn't suppose to happen. I remember never talking back to my mother or stepfather because I would get slapped across the face or spanked with the paddle. I remember never being able to voice my opinion because it never mattered. I remember that when my mother married my stepfather it became more about him and his family. Me and Tonia (my sister) were left out. I remember when my dad got with my stepmother it became all about her. And then they had kids and it was all about my stepmother and the kids. Again me and Tonia were left out. I remember going to my grandmothers house, which lived right down the street from us, all the time. That was the only place I felt like I belonged. I remember seeing my dad drive right by my house to go to granny's house but never stopped to get me and Tonia. My aunts would usually call us to tell us that daddy was up there. I remember 2 of my aunts that stilled lived with granny used to try to scare me and my sister by saying there were men looking in the windows or they heard something outside. I remember being scared all the time. I remember being shy and quiet all of the time. I remember doing the best I could at things so that I could get my parents attention. I remember that I was the only one out of 8 children that graduated high school. I remember falling in love with a boy and then him physically abusing me. I remember I didn't understand why he did that because I had done nothing wrong. But I loved him and continued to stay. I remember when my parents found out what he was doing and they confronted him. My stepfather started beating the crap out of him. I remember wondering why he thought he had a right to hit him when he (my stepfather) spanked me with a wooden paddle on my bare butt putting bruises on me because I took 50 cents from his truck without asking. I remember graduating and leaving home to live with this abusive boy because I knew no different. I remember getting pregnant with my first son and giving this young man a chance to stay or walk away. He stayed and he never hit me again. There was no love from him either but I still stayed because I knew no better. I remember deciding I had enough of being ignored and was going to leave. Well that made him change for a moment and we got married. I remember getting pregnant with my 2nd son. I remember having to move in with his brother because for some reason we couldn't pay our bills. I remember being ignored again and deciding I wasn't going to accept that and I left. I remember that he didn't care that I left with his son and unborn son. I remember he moved on with his life like we didn't matter. I remember we gave it another try but there still was no love. I remember finally deciding I was going to be a young woman and go out and meet people and have fun. I remember going dancing and drinking. I remember meeting a guy at subway and dating him for a while. I remember that because of that dude I meet this other dude who I couldn't stop talking too. I think in fact it became an obsession. I remember when that dude came over to my house the 1st time. Well he never left. I remember demanding up front that I was never to be treated with disrespect and I was never going to be told what to do ever again. I remember him staying and allowing me to become me. I remember never allowing him to have any discipline rights over the kids because what I went thru as a child with my stepfather. I remember him respecting my decision and still staying with me. I remember asking him if my ex-husband could live with us because I wanted to make sure he stayed in the kids life. I remember he stood by me and allow this to happen more than once. I remember throwing fits and making bad decisions. I remember him standing by my side and loving me. Some more stuff from childhood. I remember I never knew if a boy really liked me or not because I had red hair and some would just want to know if my hair down there was the same color. Others acted like they liked me but I was so scared and unsure of myself I didn't know if it was true and I didn't know what to do. I remember one winter it snowed really good. I remember sledding down the big hill by our house. I remember a childhood family vacation in our trailer to go see my Aunt Dorothy in Wyoming. I remember some time spent with the family in Gatlinburg at a cabin that either a friend of my stepfather owned or the person he worked for owned. I remember having friends but always getting jealous when they would show the others attention. Seemed I could only have one friend at a time because I was jealous over other people taking them away from me. I remember my stepfather continuously working on our house but never finishing anything. I remember them losing the house because momma felt she couldn't keep up with it anymore. I remember being told by different people in the family that she did not have a right to do that because the house belonged to me and Tonia. I remember that my stepbrothers and stepsister always got a portion of something that belonged to me and Tonia...meaning if our grandparents gave us something, momma would make sure the others got something too. In my mind they were our grandparents and not their's, just something else being taken away from me. I remember seeking out male attention even if it was just to please them, just to feel wanted at that moment. I remember never learning how to be an adult or what the world was.
I know with everything my brain decides to remember I have used that to live my life by... what to do and what not to do.
I love my kids so much it hurts me if they get hurt
With Ben's help I have found myself and now I need to learn to love myself
I had WLS because I refuse to continue to kill myself with food
I try my very best to show love and compassion to everyone and treat them with respect
Here's the weird part about me that I probably have said before.
I want to help people and to be like by people however I am scared to death to be around people. Why? Well I don't want to feel stupid or say something stupid and people think that I am. I don't want to be around people who just talk crap all of the time. They piss me off. I don't want to be around people who are negative all of the time (why am I with myself?). I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't have hobbies or things I love doing. I am just a simple person who wants to sit in her house and watch tv. When I get into certain moods I have conversations with myself. Here is how one goes. "I want to go to the store and get some lotion" "Why? you don't need any lotion, it's not like you are going anywhere. You don't need it, no one cares what you look like". So I don't go because I'm not worthy of a $2 bottle of lotion. People have no manners anymore. It always about them. That is why I try to keep my mouth shut and not say anything about myself. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't jump in front of people in lines. I don't walk all over people. Now if I do any of these things I don't seem to realize that I am doing them. And it may be because I choose not too.
Are you asking yourself about this time.. Why haven't you went to counseling? Well in my head I see all of the problems and the answers. Getting the answers out is the problem. Too many emotions going on interfering with the answers coming out. I think going to a therapist and talking about what's wrong isn't any different than saying it to myself. I hear the same answers. I just don't do anything required to get better. All of the people I have met in my life have been great. I still love some of them. I continue to meet people who I really want to be my friend. I put on a fake happiness and we become friends. The only difference, I don't hang out with them. I don't talk to them on the phone. Now I don't have a problem texting them or emailing them but anything face to face I will find every way possible to get out of it. Why? I don't know, maybe I'm afraid they will get too close and leave me too.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am so sad or so mad all of the time. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have eaten so badly over the past few days. I don't want the weight to come back on. I want to control this but I don't have control over it. Just like I don't have control over my feelings.
I am healthy, my husband and children are healthy, my job is great. I don't have anything to be sad or mad about. What the heck!
What the heck!
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