A new day

So weird how my feelings have changed from yesterday to today. I got up this morning even though I wanted to continue to stay in bed. I worked without getting stressed out. I laughed...really I did... I laughed. And I got to be with my husband. I got to feel the closeness that a loving couple should feel. I am... well... happy! I don't know what the difference was from yesterday to today. Besides getting out of bed and having something to do everything was the same. Yeah, Yeah, I know what you are thinking. So why didn't you just get up and move around yesterday and maybe you wouldn't have been in that funk. Sounds right doesn't it. But the way I felt yesterday, the sadness, the loneliness... I didn't want to be out of bed. I didn't want to be happy. I just wanted to be left alone. Left in the quiet. I can only hope tomorrow will be better than today. Even though I wanted to just run out the door and down the street just to run. I just couldn't make it out the today. Maybe tomorrow I will make it out the door. Maybe not for a run, maybe for a walk.  The one thing I know is that I need to get out and do something. I can feel the energy wanting to come out and play but the monster inside won't let it out. It keeps me hidden, afraid and ashamed. No I'm not talking about anyone in my house I am talking about the monster in my head. I keep trying different medicines to get rid of it but nothing is working. I don't want to feel anything anymore and I don't know how to get that thru to my doc. I guess maybe he wouldn't be a good doc if he just gave me what I wanted instead of what I need to get better. I feel like I am kind of in the same mindset as before I had the surgery. Feeling that I don't deserve anything. I am worthless. I am a failure so why bother trying. This mindset has taken me back to my food. I never really thought food gave me pleasure... well meaning.. if I was sad it would make me happy... or if I was angry it would calm me down. I always thought food for me was a boredom issue. I don't know if does anything like that for me.  But just sitting here writing this out, I do know that I go to food when I feel like I have failed. Something has gone wrong and it is my fault so that means I have failed at something so I might as well have this chocolate cake with ice cream. Why not, I'm not worth anything more than that anyways. I haven't learned how to release those feelings without making it all about me and how I failed at something and then stuffing my face. There is a bigger issue and I don't know what it is. I desperately want to know what it is. As when I was bigger I felt so tired all of the time... well that is how I feel now.. so tired all of the time. My happiness gets to shine every once in a while but that monster just pulls it right back in. If anyone is reading this and you know me, I bet you are thinking to yourself, wow I would never have thought this about her. She hides it so well. Why yes I do. I hide it very well from the people on the outside. Why? Well it's my problem. I don't want to make what I am feeling make you feel bad. Yes I am writing here and maybe you are reading it. Well I have given you the choice to read it and think what you want without me knowing it. Without me wondering what you are thinking. Wondering if you still like me now or are you going to start talking about me. This is a release for me because there is no way I would be able to say these things to anyone in person. In my head, I am telling myself... why tell anyone, why talk about it.. nothing is going to change. No one can help you but you. I don't really believe anything big is wrong with me. I just believe I was never taught how to handle problems. How to deal with life. How to deal with people. I mean, how can you teach a child never to speak back and to do what you are told otherwise you will get into big trouble and expect them to do well in life. Well if I never speak up and I don't think outside the box then I am basically someone's slave, just like my mother's and grandmother's were to their husbands. Don't get me wrong, my husband Ben, he loves me so deeply and unconditionally that would never happen here. Plus I kind of made that perfectly clear when we got together that no man would ever tell me what to do again. So I am perfectly safe in my home with my husband and sons but what about the outside world. What happens if I speak my mind out there? If I am upset about something and say something the wrong way... well I might get hurt. Well I don't want that to happen, so instead of putting myself in a potential situation like that, well I stay at home. Ok, what about work, how do you get people to listen to you when no one listened before? Well I have always done the best I could to make my parents, family and friends proud of me. I do that at work now. I over achieve to make others notice me. Well of course these days it not that hard to notice me with all of my tattoos. But that's off the subject. I am very friendly and confident. I am patient and do my best to help anyone at work. This is how I become known. This is how I get raises. People play with me and say they are scared when they get an email from me and I could just be saying HI! People have told me before that when they first met me that I intimidated them. I have asked why and all they say is I don't know, you just did. I feel like I have a smile on my face all of the time when I am around people so why would you see me and feel intimidated? Yeah on some level that makes me chuckle. But I would rather you seen me for the first time and felt like we have known each other forever. But even I can't get that feeling with other people. Well why am I rambling.... I don't know that answer either. Felt like talking I guess.

Good Night   Sweet Dreams