So I haven't blogged for a couple of days. I have started talking to the kids again. It started with me having to ask for something. Then it gradually went into a little bit more talking. I am still trying to work it out with myself how to deal with them growing up, telling me no and making their own decisions. If I didn't explain it well enough the other day. The reason I was so angry is because I was told no. Not only told no but this was something for family. To show our appreciation and love for another person. Telling me no in a situation like that gets me really angry because family means everything to me. And I have always thought I have made that clear and I thought I had instilled that into them. I haven't learned how to accept or respect their decisions just yet. I know they have to be their own person and live their own lives. But it my twisted head, I believe that everything they do is a reflection on me and how I raised them. The older I get the more I see myself going thru some of the same situations momma went thru. And while she was alive, went I had one of those moments I would always call her and ask her what she did to get thru it and then I would apologize for anything that I had done at that point in her that made her feel like I was feeling at that moment. I don't have that anymore so now I have to start figuring things out on my own. I don't know, when it comes to my kids it's like, I want to protect them so much that I am not letting them live a life that they can make mistakes, learn and grow as a person. When they tell me something they are planning on doing and I can see that it is a mistake, I tell them. Like I said in my head, I am thinking well if I tell them what may happen if they do this, then if it does start to happen then they can hopefully get out of the situation without much damage. I can't keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. Is that a good or a bad thing? I don't know. When I was growing up, we were told yes or no when we ask if we could do something. Nothing was ever explained why we couldn't. The world was never explained to us. I didn't know how to be an adult. When I turned 18, nothing was ever said to me about what I was doing, unless I asked. Then it was barely answered as to make me make my own decisions. That was hard for me. Going from being a kid and having all of my decisions made for me, then boom, I'm 18, now make your own decisions. There are many reasons I hold my kids so tight to my heart and they all come from the experiences of me growing up. I just don't want to mess my kids up. I want them to be ready for life and now how to handle it. Know that I am here for them and I will say what's on my mind, only to help them.
I went to my doc on Thursday and he took me off of Wellbutrin that I had just started last month and put me on Effexor. It has been rough over the last week. Being angry and anxiety filled all of the time. And Thursday, oh man, I was crying almost all day for no reason. Like the ladies at the front desk at the docs office was just talking to me saying how wonderful I am looking, and I just busted out crying. Or just sitting and working, and bust out crying. Hopefully, this new med will help and I won't gain any weight on it like I have on previous meds.
Well I got go, I'm going to go have coffee with Jen and then go get my hair done.
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