Vacation 2012

We left Sunday Morning at 8am, we drove forever it seemed like. At 2 am we decided we were too tired to go on. We found a hotel in Calcium NY. We all slept really good because by 1030 Ben was waking us up to get ready to go. So we drove around sight seeing. Went played in a small lake. Stopped at Ben's momma's house and had dinner. We a great talk with each other. 1st vacation day was good. Let's see what tomorrow will hold.

Collage 6/7/12

 

So Hungry at night time

So today was better than yesterday. Still in a happy mood. Matthew have me laughing a lot today. He would send me funny pictures from sametime (IM).  That was nice. I also woke up to weighing 170 lbs and my clothes fitting tighter. So I had Greek yogurt, string cheese, protein shake, Cajun catfish, water, water, water... until about 8 then it was another string cheese, protein bar, and a turkey sandwich with the bread toasted and buttered. I should be asleep right now but instead I keep fighting to go to sleep. Then I don't get a full night sleep. I am at a loss at what to do at night that hour or so before bedtime to keep my head from thinking about food. The title of this blog says So Hungry at night time... well that's a lie.... I am not truly hunger. My tummy feels like it is growling but I think it's just the acid processing the food. I have not done any kind of exercise in a few weeks. I just can't get my foot out the door. Today I thought I was going to go into work so I got up and took a shower and got dressed, so guess what I used that excuse as why I didn't do like a video exercise or something. Well that's all I have to say tonight.

A new day

So weird how my feelings have changed from yesterday to today. I got up this morning even though I wanted to continue to stay in bed. I worked without getting stressed out. I laughed...really I did... I laughed. And I got to be with my husband. I got to feel the closeness that a loving couple should feel. I am... well... happy! I don't know what the difference was from yesterday to today. Besides getting out of bed and having something to do everything was the same. Yeah, Yeah, I know what you are thinking. So why didn't you just get up and move around yesterday and maybe you wouldn't have been in that funk. Sounds right doesn't it. But the way I felt yesterday, the sadness, the loneliness... I didn't want to be out of bed. I didn't want to be happy. I just wanted to be left alone. Left in the quiet. I can only hope tomorrow will be better than today. Even though I wanted to just run out the door and down the street just to run. I just couldn't make it out the today. Maybe tomorrow I will make it out the door. Maybe not for a run, maybe for a walk.  The one thing I know is that I need to get out and do something. I can feel the energy wanting to come out and play but the monster inside won't let it out. It keeps me hidden, afraid and ashamed. No I'm not talking about anyone in my house I am talking about the monster in my head. I keep trying different medicines to get rid of it but nothing is working. I don't want to feel anything anymore and I don't know how to get that thru to my doc. I guess maybe he wouldn't be a good doc if he just gave me what I wanted instead of what I need to get better. I feel like I am kind of in the same mindset as before I had the surgery. Feeling that I don't deserve anything. I am worthless. I am a failure so why bother trying. This mindset has taken me back to my food. I never really thought food gave me pleasure... well meaning.. if I was sad it would make me happy... or if I was angry it would calm me down. I always thought food for me was a boredom issue. I don't know if does anything like that for me.  But just sitting here writing this out, I do know that I go to food when I feel like I have failed. Something has gone wrong and it is my fault so that means I have failed at something so I might as well have this chocolate cake with ice cream. Why not, I'm not worth anything more than that anyways. I haven't learned how to release those feelings without making it all about me and how I failed at something and then stuffing my face. There is a bigger issue and I don't know what it is. I desperately want to know what it is. As when I was bigger I felt so tired all of the time... well that is how I feel now.. so tired all of the time. My happiness gets to shine every once in a while but that monster just pulls it right back in. If anyone is reading this and you know me, I bet you are thinking to yourself, wow I would never have thought this about her. She hides it so well. Why yes I do. I hide it very well from the people on the outside. Why? Well it's my problem. I don't want to make what I am feeling make you feel bad. Yes I am writing here and maybe you are reading it. Well I have given you the choice to read it and think what you want without me knowing it. Without me wondering what you are thinking. Wondering if you still like me now or are you going to start talking about me. This is a release for me because there is no way I would be able to say these things to anyone in person. In my head, I am telling myself... why tell anyone, why talk about it.. nothing is going to change. No one can help you but you. I don't really believe anything big is wrong with me. I just believe I was never taught how to handle problems. How to deal with life. How to deal with people. I mean, how can you teach a child never to speak back and to do what you are told otherwise you will get into big trouble and expect them to do well in life. Well if I never speak up and I don't think outside the box then I am basically someone's slave, just like my mother's and grandmother's were to their husbands. Don't get me wrong, my husband Ben, he loves me so deeply and unconditionally that would never happen here. Plus I kind of made that perfectly clear when we got together that no man would ever tell me what to do again. So I am perfectly safe in my home with my husband and sons but what about the outside world. What happens if I speak my mind out there? If I am upset about something and say something the wrong way... well I might get hurt. Well I don't want that to happen, so instead of putting myself in a potential situation like that, well I stay at home. Ok, what about work, how do you get people to listen to you when no one listened before? Well I have always done the best I could to make my parents, family and friends proud of me. I do that at work now. I over achieve to make others notice me. Well of course these days it not that hard to notice me with all of my tattoos. But that's off the subject. I am very friendly and confident. I am patient and do my best to help anyone at work. This is how I become known. This is how I get raises. People play with me and say they are scared when they get an email from me and I could just be saying HI! People have told me before that when they first met me that I intimidated them. I have asked why and all they say is I don't know, you just did. I feel like I have a smile on my face all of the time when I am around people so why would you see me and feel intimidated? Yeah on some level that makes me chuckle. But I would rather you seen me for the first time and felt like we have known each other forever. But even I can't get that feeling with other people. Well why am I rambling.... I don't know that answer either. Felt like talking I guess.

Good Night   Sweet Dreams

So mentally tired today

I got up this morning and took a shower. I was hoping that me and Ben would go see a movie. But by the time he was ready to go I was again back in a funk. I went back to sleep. I have been in bed all day long. Just getting up to get something to drink, eat or pee. I have not wanted to get out of this bed at all. Why? Well let me think about that. The comfort of the bed. The relaxation of just laying around. The avoidance of going anywhere and seeing anybody. There is no need to speak. Only the thoughts in my head. Some good some bad. Thoughts of work that starts tomorrow. Thoughts of going to Vermont next week. Thoughts of momma, daddy, tonia, bo, rocky and angel. I didn't eat much today but what I did eat was a piece of cake, a banana nut bread, a totino's pizza, a chocolate bar, a few pieces of cheese. Junk right! I know. I woke up this morning weighing in at 170. Well that is unacceptable. But I did not do anything about it. I just continued to lay here. My crying episodes were not around today. More of a blah day with the verge of tears at any moment. I have to go into the office on Tuesday to talk with the managers about the performances of their employees. And here lately I have been slipping by becoming outspoken in a negative way. Well I can not do that. I will lose my job. I love my job and I do not want to lose it. I want my doctor to figure out how to get me back on track. I am so tired of feeling like this. I am only 40 and I am hiding away like a 80 or 90 year old person that can no longer take care of themselves.  How to I get myself out the door everyday to go walk/run? How do I get myself to work out? How do I get myself to stop eating junk and start eating good food? I'm afraid to talk to anyone feeling I will look like a failure. I know other people have the same problems but what do I have to offer to help them. I can not even help myself. I avoid making comments on facebook groups because I don't do enough research to know what I am talking about. I eat whatever. I do whatever. I truly don't know how to help anyone not even myself. I wish more people could read this blog about my mindset. But then again would I actually do anything someone suggests? 

Things on my mind

Before you start reading this let me just let you know up front it will be very emotional and will have things that you may not want to read. With that being said, I just need to put this out there today. I don't know why, I just feel that I do.

Today was a fine day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I picked up Jayden and we went to a water park with Austin, went to McDonalds let Jayden play. Came home took a nap, got up and played with Jayden some more. When Ben came home we took Jayden home. Me and Ben went to Outback to eat. While we were sitting there we were talking. Just regular talking. Then I started crying. I don't know why I just did. I cried off and on for at least an hour. Ben thinks it is a release for me. I guess I can see that seeing how this came on from no where. Let's start with my life story, shortened of course because I don't remember the majority of it and I don't want to bore anyone reading this with 40 years of life. And while you read this, It may seem more like rambling with things out of place. So in advance.. sorry about that.

I born September 4, 1971 to Mildred and Walter Loggins. My name is Deborah Kay Loggins. My family has called me Debbie all of my life and it is funny to hear anyone call me Deborah.
I was always told that my dad had left before I was a year old. I don't know if that is true or not. I know I have asked before I just don't remember the answer. The next part of my life comes when I am 5 years old. I remember having a birthday party. By that time my mom had married my stepfather who had 2 sons and 1 daughter. And my mom and stepfather had a son. I don't remember too much about my childhood so this will be really random and not much explanation. I know we use to have people live with us. I don't know if it was because we needed the help or if it was to help the people. I remember having to eat everything on my plate or I couldn't get up until I did. I remember getting spanked with a thick wooden paddle because one of the children did something wrong. I remember having to pick up nails, scraps and trash when the family was helping my stepfather when he was working either on our house or someone else's. I remember my grandmother Meador buying mine and my sister's school clothes, giving momma money for food or bills. I remember not being able to date until I was 16 and even then I had to have someone with me. I remember from a very young age that I molested by my stepbrothers and it continued into my teens. Why? Because I didn't know that wasn't something that wasn't suppose to happen. I remember never talking back to my mother or stepfather because I would get slapped across the face or spanked with the paddle. I remember never being able to voice my opinion because it never mattered. I remember that when my mother married my stepfather it became more about him and his family. Me and Tonia (my sister) were left out. I remember when my dad got with my stepmother it became all about her. And then they had kids and it was all about my stepmother and the kids. Again me and Tonia were left out. I remember going to my grandmothers house, which lived right down the street from us, all the time. That was the only place I felt like I belonged. I remember seeing my dad drive right by my house to go to granny's house but never stopped to get me and Tonia. My aunts would usually call us to tell us that daddy was up there.  I remember 2 of my aunts that stilled lived with granny used to try to scare me and my sister by saying there were men looking in the windows or they heard something outside. I remember being scared all the time. I remember being shy and quiet all of the time. I remember doing the best I could at things so that I could get my parents attention. I remember that I was the only one out of 8 children that graduated high school. I remember falling in love with a boy and then him physically abusing me. I remember I didn't understand why he did that because I had done nothing wrong. But I loved him and continued to stay. I remember when my parents found out what he was doing and they confronted him. My stepfather started beating the crap out of him. I remember wondering why he thought he had a right to hit him when he (my stepfather) spanked me with a wooden paddle on my bare butt putting bruises on me because I took 50 cents from his truck without asking. I remember graduating and leaving home to live with this abusive boy because I knew no different. I remember getting pregnant with my first son and giving this young man a chance to stay or walk away. He stayed and he never hit me again. There was no love from him either but I still stayed because I knew no better. I remember deciding I had enough of being ignored and was going to leave. Well that made him change for a moment and we got married. I remember getting pregnant with my 2nd son. I remember having to move in with his brother because for some reason we couldn't pay our bills. I remember being ignored again and deciding I wasn't going to accept that and I left. I remember that he didn't care that I left with his son and unborn son. I remember he moved on with his life like we didn't matter. I remember we gave it another try but there still was no love. I remember finally deciding I was going to be a young woman and go out and meet people and have fun. I remember going dancing and drinking. I remember meeting a guy at subway and dating him for a while. I remember that because of that dude I meet this other dude who I couldn't stop talking too. I think in fact it became an obsession. I remember when that dude came over to my house the 1st time. Well he never left. I remember demanding up front that I was never to be treated with disrespect and I was never going to be told what to do ever again. I remember him staying and allowing me to become me. I remember never allowing him to have any discipline rights over the kids because what I went thru as a child with my stepfather. I remember him respecting my decision and still staying with me. I remember asking him if my ex-husband could live with us because I wanted to make sure he stayed in the kids life. I remember he stood by me and allow this to happen more than once. I remember throwing fits and making bad decisions. I remember him standing by my side and loving me. Some more stuff from childhood. I remember I never knew if a boy really liked me or not because I had red hair and some would just want to know if my hair down there was the same color. Others acted like they liked me but I was so scared and unsure of myself I didn't know if it was true and I didn't know what to do. I remember one winter it snowed really good. I remember sledding down the big hill by our house. I remember a childhood family vacation in our trailer to go see my Aunt Dorothy in Wyoming. I remember some time spent with the family in Gatlinburg at a cabin that either a friend of my stepfather owned or the person he worked for owned.  I remember having friends but always getting jealous when they would show the others attention. Seemed I could only have one friend at a time because I was jealous over other people taking them away from me. I remember my stepfather continuously working on our house but never finishing anything. I remember them losing the house because momma felt she couldn't keep up with it anymore. I remember being told by different people in the family that she did not have a right to do that because the house belonged to me and Tonia. I remember that my stepbrothers and stepsister always got a portion of something that belonged to me and Tonia...meaning if our grandparents gave us something, momma would make sure the others got something too. In my mind they were our grandparents and not their's, just something else being taken away from me. I remember seeking out male attention even if it was just to please them, just to feel wanted at that moment. I remember never learning how to be an adult or what the world was.

I know with everything my brain decides to remember I have used that to live my life by... what to do and what not to do.
I love my kids so much it hurts me if they get hurt
With Ben's help I have found myself and now I need to learn to love myself
I had WLS because I refuse to continue to kill myself with food
I try my very best to show love and compassion to everyone and treat them with respect

Here's the weird part about me that I probably have said before.
I want to help people and to be like by people however I am scared to death to be around people. Why? Well I don't want to feel stupid or say something stupid and people think that I am.  I don't want to be around people who just talk crap all of the time. They piss me off. I don't want to be around people who are negative all of the time (why am I with myself?). I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't have hobbies or things I love doing. I am just a simple person who wants to sit in her house and watch tv. When I get into certain moods I have conversations with myself. Here is how one goes. "I want to go to the store and get some lotion" "Why? you don't need any lotion, it's not like you are going anywhere. You don't need it, no one cares what you look like". So I don't go because I'm not worthy of a $2 bottle of lotion. People have no manners anymore. It always about them. That is why I try to keep my mouth shut and not say anything about myself. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't jump in front of people in lines. I don't walk all over people. Now if I do any of these things I don't seem to realize that I am doing them. And it may be because I choose not too.

Are you asking yourself about this time.. Why haven't you went to counseling?  Well in my head I see all of the problems and the answers. Getting the answers out is the problem. Too many emotions going on interfering with the answers coming out. I think going to a therapist and talking about what's wrong isn't any different than saying it to myself. I hear the same answers. I just don't do anything required to get better. All of the people I have met in my life have been great. I still love some of them. I continue to meet people who I really want to be my friend. I put on a fake happiness and we become friends. The only difference, I don't hang out with them. I don't talk to them on the phone. Now I don't have a problem texting them or emailing them but anything face to face I will find every way possible to get out of it. Why? I don't know, maybe I'm afraid they will get too close and leave me too.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am so sad or so mad all of the time. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have eaten so badly over the past few days. I don't want the weight to come back on. I want to control this but I don't have control over it. Just like I don't have control over my feelings.

I am healthy, my husband and children are healthy, my job is great. I don't have anything to be sad or mad about. What the heck!

What the heck!

Day 2 of the Challenge

I went on another walk around the neighborhood with Ben for an hour. Did not have any sweets. And the hardest part... closed the kitchen at 8pm.

Other than that yesterday was fine. Today is a different story. Feeling lots of stress and anxiety. I actually dropped out of the challenge because I know I would not be able to complete it. I really do let what I am feeling get the best of me. After work I have been stuck to my bed because of the way I feel. And before you ask, yes I have talked to my doctor again about this and he has changed my meds once again and even added something else to it. I just think it has had time to work. I did start my period yesterday. Boy how I am getting tired of feeling like this. I am no good to anyone. But life moves on and so do I just at a slow rate.

Facebook Group Challenge

So I started a challenge yesterday with a WLS Group on Facebook. My part of the challenge is to do an hour of some type of exercise a day, limit my sweets to twice a week and not to eat after 8pm. Yesterday, me and Ben walked around our neighborhood for an hour which was great to have some time with him. I had a Starbucks Mocha Coconut Frapaccino that I shared with Ben and did not eat after 8pm. Not having anything to eat after 8pm was the hardest part for me. That is when my grazing happens. But the 1st night.... success!

I bought some Mocha Click at the Meet and Greet and I have been having it everyday since I got home from Vegas. It is awesome. I also started mixing my Orange/Tangerine Mio with my vanilla protein powder and it taste like a push up. It is delicious. I'm not trying to replace my food with protein shakes, I am actually just trying to figure out how to get more water in. And since protein shakes mixed with water are considered part of my water intake well I am doing it that way. I make them in the blender crushing ice so they are slushy. I seem to drink them right down like that versus just making a glass a water. A glass of water just sits there, I don't want to drink it no matter how thirsty I am. But anyways, that's my story for today.

Got my hair done

I got my hair done today and really like it. And really like my dimples LOL

Saturday May 12, 2012

So I haven't blogged for a couple of days. I have started talking to the kids again. It started with me having to ask for something. Then it gradually went into a little bit more talking. I am still trying to work it out with myself how to deal with them growing up, telling me no and making their own decisions. If I didn't explain it well enough the other day. The reason I was so angry is because I was told no. Not only told no but this was something for family. To show our appreciation and love for another person. Telling me no in a situation like that gets me really angry because family means everything to me. And I have always thought I have made that clear and I thought I had instilled that into them. I haven't learned how to accept or respect their decisions just yet. I know they have to be their own person and live their own lives. But it my twisted head, I believe that everything they do is a reflection on me and how I raised them. The older I get the more I see myself going thru some of the same situations momma went thru. And while she was alive, went I had one of those moments I would always call her and ask her what she did to get thru it and then I would apologize for anything that I had done at that point in her that made her feel like I was feeling at that moment. I don't have that anymore so now I have to start figuring things out on my own.  I don't know, when it comes to my kids it's like, I want to protect them so much that I am not letting them live a life that they can make mistakes, learn and grow as a person. When they tell me something they are planning on doing and I can see that it is a mistake, I tell them. Like I said in my head, I am thinking well if I tell them what may happen if they do this, then if it does start to happen then they can hopefully get out of the situation without much damage. I can't keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. Is that a good or a bad thing? I don't know. When I was growing up, we were told yes or no when we ask if we could do something. Nothing was ever explained why we couldn't. The world was never explained to us. I didn't know how to be an adult. When I turned 18, nothing was ever said to me about what I was doing, unless I asked. Then it was barely answered as to make me make my own decisions. That was hard for me. Going from being a kid and having all of my decisions made for me, then boom, I'm 18, now make your own decisions. There are many reasons I hold my kids so tight to my heart and they all come from the experiences of me growing up. I just don't want to mess my kids up. I want them to be ready for life and now how to handle it. Know that I am here for them and I will say what's on my mind, only to help them.

I went to my doc on Thursday and he took me off of Wellbutrin that I had just started last month and put me on Effexor. It has been rough over the last week. Being angry and anxiety filled all of the time. And Thursday, oh man, I was crying almost all day for no reason. Like the ladies at the front desk at the docs office was just talking to me saying how wonderful I am looking, and I just busted out crying. Or just sitting and working, and bust out crying. Hopefully, this new med will help and I won't gain any weight on it like I have on previous meds.

Well I got go, I'm going to go have coffee with Jen and then go get my hair done.

Nothing is better

Still no talking to the kids and they haven't tried to talk to me either.

I worked and watched tv. I was going to go to a support group meeting but honestly with the way I have been feeling I really didn't want to go. I was glad that me and Ben just went to Steak and Shake instead. However I was still in a very irritable mood. I am glad I see my doctor on Thursday. Even though my weight has dropped back down to 164-167 we still need to work on my depression and anxiety. I don't want to go back to taking meds that have the side effect of weight gain. Nor do I want to feel worthless, lonely and upset all of the time either. I have been staying in my room away from people, I feel better away from anyone.

I really wished I could talk about something other than being negative. But that's all I got right now.

Same ole same ole

Today was work and watching TV. Stomach is feeling better so I am not worried anymore. However, my feelings are a different story. I still haven't talked to the kids and they don't care. They haven't tried to talk to me either. Whatever!
So here's the kicker, the littlest things have been getting to me. What do I mean. Well, I can be watching a commercial and want to start crying. I read a post or see a picture on Facebook and either want to get mad, sad or some other kind of feeling that is very hard to explain. It only stays for a second but still weird. I feel like I have more to say but it won't come out. It's like when you are trying to say a word that is at the tip of your tongue. There is something that is wanting to get out, I just don't know what it is.

I have been keeping myself in my room only coming out when I have too. I have been wanting to go running but I don't want to walk past anyone in the livingroom. Even when they are sleeping I am still angry. I am suppose to go to another support group meeting tomorrow. Hopefully I can bring myself to actually leave the house. If I do, I will post how it went. If not, well then I guess you will know that as well.

A new day; A new week

I slept in today. Which was good I guess. Then me and Ben went riding on the motorcycle. That is the first time in I guess a year that I have been on a motorcycle. It was very nice to get out and ride for a while today. I had a BBQ sandwich without the bread today and barely could eat it. Which isn't surprising because I shouldn't be able to eat all of it. But what worried me was the sharp stinging pain in my belly up my side after I ate. I felt that yesterday too. I will keep an eye on it and if it seems to get worse then I will go see the doctor.
Now for the kid situation. I still haven't talked to any of them since Friday and they must not care because they haven't tried to talk to me either. I don't know what I am suppose to do. For me it's all one way or another way, there is no middle ground. I love them with all of my heart so it breaks my heart the way they act toward me and other people. They only seem to care about themselves. I have to beg and stand over them to get them to go or do anything with me. I have showed them how important it is to be there for people. Sometimes they do, but when it seems to matter in the smallest ways, like going to someones college graduation, no. Going to the movies with me and Ben, gotta stand over them until they get the picture I'm not going anywhere without them. I just don't know how to act or feel when they well basically don't do what I want them to do. Now for those of you reading this, don't get the picture that I am always asking them to do stuff for me. They live in my house, I feed them and I even give them money and they both have jobs. I ask for simple things, like mmmm, maybe mow the yard once a month instead of having your mother do it when there are 4 men the house. Reminds me of Momma and how she would be out there sweating mowing the yard and none of kids cared. I guess I'm getting that back. Or let's see, you dirty a dish, well wash it instead of just putting it in the sink and watching the dishes pile up. Then say, well I don't want to do it because I didn't make all of the mess so why should I clean it all up. Well duh, if you had cleaned up your mess when you made it then there wouldn't be a mess. Again something I didn't want to do either when growing up. I swear the pass few days I have wanted to throw every dish in the house against the wall and break everything and say "Well if no one wants to clean up their own damn mess and blame everyone else for making, there will be no damn dishes to dirty up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". But of course I didn't. I kept that to myself. How to I do half way? How do I make them understand that we are all living together and need to make an effort to clean up our own messes? I get so tired of talking about it, so tired of ASKING everyone to pick up THEIR stuff. I don't want to go to the extreme of throwing stuff away because I hated that when my stepfather did that to us. But I am at a loss to what to do. Man I could just keep talking about how angry I am at these kids... Oh and while I am thinking about it. I asked Aaron just the other day when he was going to mow the yard, he said on Sunday because he didn't have to work. Well it's 8pm and dark out and the yard has not been cut. Another weekend being lied too. I guess his friends are more important than keeping his word to his mother. Since I am so mad about all of this, if Ben is up when and if Aaron decides to come home tonight I will get him to ask why he didn't mow the yard today.

NOT HAPPY!!!!

Another Day Part 2

So I got the car and sped off like a crazy person and went to the Goodwill because by then it was too late to go to Angela's Graduation. I found a couple of dresses and shorts. Then I was on my way to my WLS Group Meeting and traffic was so backed up that there was no way I was going to get there on time. Well that pissed me off too. So basically, my day did not go as planned but at least I was out of the house. My stomach has been hurting me all day. It feels like a pulling stinging sensation. Not to mention I have cramps due to starting my period this morning. So now I am sitting in bed with a heating pad on and hoping that I get to spend some more alone time. I am so ill!!!!

Here's hoping that tomorrow goes better

Another Day

So I wanted to write this before I left the house today. So I know it was raining this morning and my husband needed to take the car however what makes me angry is that he knew how much stuff I had planned today and he did not wake me up early enough for me to take him. Instead he waits until it's time for him to leave and wakes me up to say he needs to take the car because it's raining. So what is that left me with. One I can just stay home all day... and that would really piss me off considering my plans I had already made. Or two, ask Matthew to take me to get the car which pisses me off because I am mad at him for the way he is acting. So I took the lesser of two evils I asked Matthew to take me to get the car so I am not stuck at home all day brewing over how pissed I am.  So here I go to start my day. Hopefully it gets better and not worse.

Don't know what to say.

It has come to a point tonight that I wonder how well of a job I am doing as a mother. One son refuses to go to any family functions. His Aunt is Graduating from college tomorrow and he refuses to go. He is so selfish. And that has made me so mad that I have been slamming doors, wanting to throw dishes to break them, leave the house and not come back for a while. None of these things will do anything to get him to go. But it still doesn't help that I want to do them. And then the other one decides when he comes home. Never lets me know where he is at. Don't get me wrong they are good kids but they have really pissed me off. They know that family means everything to me. And it hurts my feelings when they down right refuse to have anything to do with family functions. It even embarrasses me. Yes I said embarrasses to me. My husband and sons should want to support me in participating in family or friends functions. It makes me not want to do anything for them again. Not talk to them. Ignore them. It's going to be hard to keep my anger to myself I'll tell you. I'm even so mad at them know I am trying to think of ways to get out of the things I said I would do tomorrow. And it has made me feel so bad that I am second guessing myself going to Vegas. I feel worthless. I feel unwanted. I feel ashamed. Life is not good right now. What the heck am I suppose to do. Someone please tell me because I am lost. It has been rare occasions that I have wanted everyone to leave but for the most part I want everyone to stay. This is so frustrating!!!!!

Thursday April 12, 2012

So I haven't written anything in a while. To lazy to pick up a computer and type is my only answer. I went back to my doctor yesterday and really let him know about my concerns of weight gain on the meds I was taken. He listened and we are trying something new. I really hope that helps me get the 10lbs off that I have gained. Of course, now I don't have an excuse to sit around eating everything in the house or being to depressed to get out of the house. Well anyway I really hope this one helps me because I am so tired of being depressed and full of anxiety all of the time.

Well if I think of anything else I will write again but that's about it.

Thursday March 29, 2012

Going to write before I forget. My psych doctor just up'd my meds and added another one to them to give them a boost. I hope it does help because I am so tired of these mood swings. I think I may need to get my hormones tested sooner than later.

Other than that, tired (meaning sleepy) most of the day. Worked and just watched TV. Me and Jason went and got Jayden today while I was in Nashville for my psych appt.  Didn't go walking today since I didn't get off until 615pm and no one would go with me...and let's face it. I was just too tired to go.

Well that's all for now

Wednesday March 28, 2012

Nothing new to add today. All in all I have had a good day. A few episodes of anxiety throughout the day but nothing too bad. Went on a walk/jog with Jason. We drove the car around to see how many miles it is where we go. It is 1.6 miles. I had a mole removed today that I have had since before I had boobs. Don't miss it right now. I was just so tired of it getting in the way of my bra strap and it looked so ugly.

Just want to point out it's 10pm and I just ate a small bag of chips and salsa. I took my ambien over 2 hours ago and I am still not sleepy. Just another thing to talk to the docs about.

Well that's enough of my boring life today.

Tuesday March 27, 2012

So I haven't wrote anything in a few days. Things have been a lot better. Friday I went out and got my ear pierced. Saturday I spent most of the day to myself and got a pedicure. And on Sunday, me and Ben went to his friends house and rode horses. Of course I rode a little more than him but that's ok. I had fun. Can't wait to ride again.

I have walked/jogged the last couple of days. Aaron shown me some simple stomach exercises. My water still needs to go up. I know I keep saying that but it really is hard for me to drink when I'm not thirsty.

Here are some pictures

Thursday March 22, 2012

I understand that why I said yesterday or what I have said in the past has bothered you and I am sorry. I know you love me and I love you too. And you know who I am talking about because there is only a select few of you that I care enough about to send you a direct link to my blog. I know you are there to listen, cheer me on when I need and be there when I need it. I love you for that. But I need this to take note of what I am going thru. I need to believe that by me posting this or any of my other blogs that some other person is going thru the same thing. That what I may say will click with them and they will not feel like they are alone. I feel strong in a way. I know right from wrong and I know what I am suppose to do. But the problem is my brain is lost in depression and anxiety. I feel like I can not stop all of the feelings and now that I am writing this, I don't think I have any thoughts running thru my mind. I just feel!!!  Anyone reading this and feeling sorry for me, well please don't. I am working thru it. I am strong. This is just my path in life, to feel things. Maybe one day it will come to me what I am suppose to do with the way I feel. What is the reason for it. And yes I believe there is a reason for everything.

Love you all and thank you for being you!!!

Wednesday March 21, 2012

No food log today. Besides my food sucked big time today!!! Just gonna speak about how I feel. Well it started yesterday. I started feeling very anxious. I couldn't even stand to read thru Facebook, read thru and WLS sites, watch TV or even have anyone talk to me. Same has been today also. Even today just trying to work I look over at all of the meds I have to take and think maybe it's time to just take them all. I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. I already see a psychiatrist but the meds are barely helping. Believe me I use to be a lot worse. I don't know how other people feel but I would like to feel nothing. I am not expecting life to be easy and compared to a lot of people I do have it easy. I have a wonderful loving husband, 2 children that love me, a great job that I love and I make good money at. There is no mental or physical abuse in my house. For the most part we say what's on our minds. Now say to yourself... then why is she so depressed? Why is she so unhappy? Well I don't know the answer to that. I fight with myself on who I want to be and who I am. What do I mean by that. Well I mean, I have very deep empathy for people, animals, plants and trees. I feel them hurting and I want to help. I want to do something. Then what happens when I have decided that I am going to help. I back out. Why because I don't like being around people because they use you, they lie to you and just treat you like plain dirt. I never speak up for myself when someone does something wrong. Why? What's the point, I just let them say what they have to say and I walk away. I am not going to stoop to anyone elses level. Plus I am also afraid of what they will do to me. I have started to leave a lot of my family along because they bring a lot of drama into my life. I am all about trying to help you thru with whatever you are going thru and even just to listen to you vent because god knows I need to vent. But if that is all that is going to happen every time I see or talk to you then our visits will be few and far between. Why? Because it's hard enough to keep my drama to myself and to deal with all of the feelings I deal with on a daily basis. I need positive people in my life. And I have those and I am very thankful for them. They give me just the right amount of love and space I need and they also understand that I will always be there for them. What am I getting at? Well nothing. This is me... everyday... whether you see a smile on my face or not, this is what I feel like every second of every day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day because I have to go into the office for a meeting, so that means a lot of people will be around.

Tuesday March 20, 2012

I weighed in at 169 this morning. Before Aaron took my IPOD on his walk with him today at noon today I had 1100 steps. Me and Cali went on a short walk around the block on lunch. Didn't walk any tonight, 1because I'm a scaredy cat so I won't walk alone and no one was home to walk with me and 2 because I am lazy. I was nice having a few hours of piece and quiet tonight. But for some reason instead of being relaxed I have become very anxious. I am sitting here right now typing this and don't want anyone to talk to me, can barely stand to watch tv. I feel like I either want to cry or argue (yell) but no one has done anything to me to feel this way. Nothing has happened to make me feel this way. Well I did here from Aaron that when he was at my daddy's house today that he saw my brother come home with blood on his face and his hand wrapped up, yes that upsets me but I was already feeling like this before I heard that news. What to do, what to do!!!

Food for today
1 Atkins Peanut Butter Cups
1 Atkins Coconut Chocolate Protein Bar
1 Atkins Chocolate Protein Shake
2 bowls of lasagna
2 cheese stick
Popcorn
1 Carbmaster Ice Cream Bar

All vitamins and meds taken

4 glasses of water

I will add the pictures tomorrow... to tired right now

Monday March 19, 2012

Weighed in at 170lbs. Totals steps as of 9pm 12258. The majority of the steps is when Matthew got home. We walked around the neighborhood, then walked up to the gas station and then took the long way back home. It's was a cool walk. It's always nice to be with someone when I do these long walks. I was a little anxious today but after taking my meds I felt better. Found out today that overtime at work my be over. I was really looking forward to getting another months of overtime for my trip to Las Vegas in May for the WLS Meet and Greet. Since I have already purchased the meet and greet ticket, I will need to buy my plane ticket this weekend. I am very excited about going. To meet so many people who have had the WLS. To just be someone new and adventurous. It's going to be great.

Ok my foods for today
1Atkins shake
1 Bowl of lasagna
1 Cookie
2 cheese stick with turkey meat
1 carbmaster ice cream bar
1 Atkins peanut butter cups
3 cheese sticks

4 Glasses of water

Sunday March 18, 2012

I weighed in at 170. Total steps taken 15270.

Me and Ben went for a 3 hour walk in the park today. It was so beautiful out. Took some pictures. I need to get them uploaded and I will post. I am so tired and my body hurts from cutting the yard yesterday and all of the walking today. Resting now.

Here is my food for today, I will upload my pictures of my foods later. For some reason they are don't going into my email right now.

1 Grande Caramel Frappuccino
2 Scrambled Eggs
1 Snickers Ice Cream Bar
Chips, Salsa, Sour Cream, Half of a Chicken and Cheese Quesadilla
1 Strawberry Daiquiri
2 Coconut Chocolate Protein Bar
Chips and Sour Cream

3 Glasses of water

 Some pictures of the day at the park